Posted by LucidDreamer on February 2, 2013, at 1:12:26
In reply to disheartening psychiatrist appt., posted by g_g_g_unit on January 24, 2013, at 20:21:08
> So, I just met with my psychiatrist after a 4-week absence over Christmas etc. I told him that I hadn't responded well to Xanax (it seems to paradoxically activate me, once the initial sedation had worn off) and also informed him that I had upgraded my insurance to cover private hospitalization, which is something I was considering. He asked about my general condition and I said I had noticed a return of my usual depressive symptoms - leaden paralysis, amotivation, etc. - and informed him (as I've tried to several times) that my obsessive-compulsive intrusions are currently crippling and preventing me from functioning in any manner.
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> Now, I'm trying to be as rational as possible and take everything in stride, but I found his response to be extremely disheartening. If it makes any difference, he comes from a more analytic/psychodynamic background, but he suggested that the obsessions were acting as a way for me to prevent coming to terms with more salient problems like a general lack of responsibility on my part; a chronic, idealized dependence on medication to 'fix' me etc.
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> In a sense he is right -- those issues exist -- but he is also failing to acknowledge how utterly debilitating my anxiety has become. The obsessions aren't some secondary gain; they prevent me from even having the *luxury* of attending to other stuff that's going on in my life because I barely feel in contact with reality 95% of the time.
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> He said that he will no longer prescribe me medication, but will offer to treat me psychotherapeutically. He was also against hospitalization, though did offer did refer me onto a more experienced psychopharmacologist, with the disclaimer that he simply saw it as another "dead end" and that, unless I took responsibility for my illness, I would never get better.
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> I don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope, barely surviving trying to contend with my anxiety, and had been desperately waiting for this appointment in the hope that some resolution might be achieved (e.g. hospitalization, or revisiting other medication etc.). He is right -- I don't want to be sick, I hate the person I am who is forced to contend with a debilitating psychiatric illness, and it instills a deep, driving bitterness in me. But I also acknowledge that my expectations of medication had perhaps previously been unrealistic and I had gone there today with the idea in mind that I would "settle for less".
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> I don't know what to do, like I say, my anxiety is insane, I am so morbidly depressed that I am barely taking care of myself anymore, and I just don't have the strength or reserve to seek out another psychiatrist; it took me forever to find this guy and while I was never completely comfortable with him, I liked him more than anyone I'd seen previously. Now I feel completely lost and abandoned.
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>That is so unfortunate that your psychiatrist turned his back on you. My dream is to become a psychiatrist and psychologist, so I can seize every opportunity to help every person that I can. To give them hope, to inspire them, to support them with all my being and be the most genuinely caring doctor that I can be. It really saddens me that there are psychiatrists out there that do more harm than good. I know what you feel like right now, because I too have been abandoned by a psychiatrist before. I ESPECIALLY know how stressful and bothersome it is looking for a new psychiatrist. But please, first of all be as strong as you can be. Look into your heart and know that despite all the uncalled for things that your psychiatrist said, YOU know yourself better than any so called doctor out there. YOU know in your heart what is best for you. And your psychiatrist had no right saying the things that he did and making you feel the way you did. Then slowly disregard all the crap that he threw out at you. I know what it feels like when a psychiatrist fails to utilize basic human compassion and fails to realize just how PAINFUL and disabling anxiety can be. I know, I have had severe severe anxiety my whole life. And part of them failing to connect is due to the fact that a lot of doctors out there have not had disabling psychiatric issues themselves. Try your best to remind yourself that you have done nothing wrong and try your best not to let your doctor's words get to you. You don't deserve to feel guilty-if this recent experience has evoked that emotion from you. Now having said that, even though it might feel like such an exhausting task, try to find the strength to look for a new psychiatrist. You deserve better . WAY better. And to motivate yourself, keep thinking of how your hard work will pay off and how your new psychiatrist will be much more understanding and caring that what you have right now. That will give you hope, and we all run on hope. I can really relate to what has recently happened to you, because like I said a similar thing happened to me where my psychiatrist was completely clueless and kept telling me "You're completely healthy! Go back to college!" when I was (and still am) going through the worst emotional pain that I have ever had to endure in my life due to absolutely crippling anxiety, severe OCD, disabling depression, and worsened Body Dysmorphic disorder. Some of these doctors just don't know what we go through. And then he put the blame on me on why I'm not in college right now, when the reason for my relapse was no one's fault.
Please realize you are not alone, this type of thing has unfortunately happened to many other people. But the most important thing is to block out meaningless words, because that's all they are. I genuinely hope that you find a new psychiatrist who is genuine, caring, compassionate, and skilled at what he does. My thoughts are with you. NEVER back down. Best of luck.
poster:LucidDreamer
thread:1036417
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20130124/msgs/1037117.html