Posted by brynb on September 23, 2012, at 22:37:10
In reply to after effects of recovery..., posted by rjlockhart37 on September 20, 2012, at 22:51:01
> I've already done rehabs...4 of them...and NA meetings...and sponsers...and talk about it....but it doesnt take away the inciative to use...when you want to get pumped ip ... you make a choice to do it, no matter how much good words you say at NA meetings, or books you write of good teachings. The dude that started AA wanted alcohol on his deathbed...he started all the antialcohol but still had a taste and urning for it...i hope im not thinking of someone else but I think that's what I heard from talking with some people.
>
> But yea. i didnt use it that much really so don't get the impression that im a meth looking person...im 240lbs...so I hope you know what that looks like...it was only occational but it was good while I did it...i got things done...but it caused dependence for some time now. I still think about it...the ultra feeling confidence and superhuman abilities.
>
> Still I hate my life...and that's the tendency to want to drink alcohol at high amounts to allieviate the misery....i've gotta redo my life...that's all.
>
> thanks for reading
>
> rjrj-
i hear you. substance abuse sucks. depression and anxiety suck. reality sometimes sucks.
i struggled for years with drugs (pills and illegal stuff). i've also been to rehab and detox many times. i tried the aa/na thing for a few years, especially as all of the rehabs i went to were based on the 12-step model. i was a bad addict. in the end, i detoxed as an outpatient with an addiction specialist pdoc over a bunch of months, and pretty much got clean on my own. i'm 38 now, and i basically outgrew it. there are times now (like, a couple of days ago!) where i'll pop a few prescription pills (painkillers, in this case) to induce euphoria and check-out. (i don't drink, and was never a drinker, so in theory, a couple of pills is like a few glasses of wine to me. at least that's how i try to justify it.)
as a normally depressed person, anything above baseline is desirable for me, and i believe my abuse stemmed from self-medicating. i'm beating myself up over indulging in a few pain pills the other night. i think it's because i really value my body now more than ever. i abused it terribly yet it didn't fail me. it got me through a heck of a lot and i've lived to tell. i've learned we're a pretty resilient species. it upsets me that our country is so behind on addiction and how to treat people properly. most "specialists" haven't a clue about addiction. 12-step programs are archaic and rigid, and although helpful for some (in my opinion, a certain type of alcoholic, but that's a different story), they're not very successful for most. spontaneous recovery has the best success rates. it's what worked for me.
also, as i'm sure you've heard, bill w. was miraculously "cured" of his alcoholism after tripping in the hospital on belladonna. he was a member of the oxford group (a devout religious organization where members had to confess their sins) and went on with a few other members to "help others" and spread the word after his med-induced revelation. ironically, even though he preached abstinence and sobriety as the key to his happiness and recovery, he dealt with severe treatment-resistant depression until he passed on and though he stopped drinking, was a heavy stimulant user throughout his aa days. sorry if i offend anyone in saying this, and i truly try not to judge, but 12-step programs fit into the same category as scientology to me.
so, what i'm writing now is some advice that's helped me in the past, and something i really need to adhere to at the moment:
-treat your body well and set yourself up for success (sleep right, eat right, find a good pdoc who you connect with); if you feel like getting high or checking out, be cognizant of what's happening as it's a signal that things are off. i forget this A LOT.
-don't beat yourself up
-don't focus on the bad; what you resist persists
-leave the past where it belongs, behind you
-do what feels right for you (not what "they" say in aa/na); you don't need to be in "recovery" your entire life.
-learn to like yourself, and eventually love yourself (i love oscar wilde's quote "be yourself, everyone else is already taken".)now i need to take my own advice ;).
-bryn
poster:brynb
thread:1026283
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20120922/msgs/1026479.html