Posted by rjlockhart04=08 on January 9, 2012, at 21:12:47
You know one of things that bothers me so much is that I tell people whats going on but it doesnt ever help me personally because I still have much misery I live through. When I wake up, i get up and am depressed but I don't show it, its like I tell people and they don't see it. Its like its "hidden" and only attacks me when I'm very vunerable to depression and have misery periods that I feel like actually feeling like life would be better if I wasnt here. See these are the aspects that keep me alive, that I still have future. See right now it just feels everything has ended and it feels like I'm alive but danmed or dead.
DARS is coming along fine, soon I will see a job placement agent, i've already taken alll the psychological/vocational assesment tests for it.
But anyways...
Life is gloomy to me and I do feel like I'm dead inside. I do occationsally have spirits of life that bring me out of the dumps I am in, like going out with friends and going to clubs and just stuff that makes people happy doing. Still, no matter how much fun I have the depression, or better quoted the "misery" always returns.Right now a major factor of this depression is that I still live at home and have no income. And of course that is my fault and I don't have anyone to blame but myself. Another factor is that I feel that I can never fuction normally again. Alot of things cause this but you know even If I still had a house to myself and had stimulants paticuar onces. I would still be sad. I rerember when I was on Dexedrine I still was miserable and sometimes the dexedrine made me hate my life even more than what I already hated because it stimulates thoughts of whatever is existing in your brain. I rerember the days when I already had everything I wanted and still wanted to not be here. One because I worked for my brother who is attorney and he would be so mean to me about getting things done. It hurt me and I would use alcohol on top of Xanax to combat the rebound period of the Dexedrine around 5-6pm. Those where very miserable times.
It always helps to count the things you have. Even thought I rather not and choose to be sad. Either way its my fault and choice to be this way. I don't need to complain to people about how miserable I am when it was a choice I made. It's just so hard to not be depressed in this catch 22 situation.
poster:rjlockhart04=08
thread:1006827
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20120108/msgs/1006827.html