Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on December 12, 2011, at 1:31:34
First thing I want to get clear with people is that this time at night I tend to get upset about my life. I've known this for a good time now. I've posted so much worthless sh*t in the past to get attention and then when the actaul problem confrounts me I have no people to tell. I have to say I am done with foolishness. I have caused so many times in the past of worthless posts that mean nothing of what im feeling.
Now, A couple of days ago I got these thoughts that where very dark and I kept thinking of death. And the reason I'm thinking of these thoughts is because
1) I am still at home, no where from square 1, i'v been stuck in the same hole for years and it just makes me want to not live anymore.
2)I can't keep a job due to the stimulant depedence and I have much trouble without stimulants.
3) I am very miserable. I feel like not waking up. Everything that I ever used to care about its not here any more, I have nothing today that is enjoyable.Now please understand I don't want any pity. I need a solution to this. Their are many solutions that I have avoided or not wanted to accept. I am still waiting for DARS to call. They have got all the testing and my medical records on file now.
Thier not much people can do for me. I do feel like I have met the ends of things but im not going to give up. I just feel like my life is over. Don't feel sorry for me, this was a choice and I've got to deal with the circumstances of my choices. It's my responsiblity now. I can't rely on people. I just wished someone would just wipe all my choices away and redo them to make me happy but of course that will never happen. I've already tried it with God through prayer requests and im very sure the awnser is no.
I just need to find a solution when these thoghts come. Focus on gratitude and not negativity. I just want to get out of this and the only person who is going to get me out of it is me. I hate who I am. I don't want to put faith in myself because I feel I don't have the capibility. I just want to let it out and cry this out and ill feel better.
poster:rjlockhart04-08
thread:1004767
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20111208/msgs/1004767.html