Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 14, 2011, at 23:30:39
oh, god I miss my family and I have been at home lately feeling this despair all alone and away from people. I feel so sad for not being a success that I had planned when I was 18. I'm 24 and believe me it will go soon, I have to find something to do with my life before its too late. I've got to let all the desires for things that are not important, and find something to do with my life. I'm waiting for DARS, I actually have to take a drug test tommorow. It's gonna take a long time to get through to them. Their a state agency...they take very long periods of time to process things.
Look I'm at point where I have to function without the medication that I need. I've got to learn how to live life without kick from antidepressants and stimulants to make me feel happy. It will happen, I just have to get on my own and have own doctor with nothing to do with my mother and her insurance. I have to get off and get on my own. All of this looks like it can't be done and I am very much in despair. I miss my brother and my family. I isolate too much because that's the only safe reality I have is to get away from people and not associate myself with things that require everyday actity with others. GOD!! i miss so many people and I just don't even know how to make a call. I'm always in this reched depression of sorrow over my life I can't even talk to anyone. I never talk about my feelings. And one reason for that is because I used to tell all my feelings to family members and they got discusted with it. I no longer do this. But I have so much I am sad about, I just wished someone could understand where I am. I don't usally shed tears, its actually very hard for me to shed tears because im so numb all the time about things. Maybe its because of the Zyprexa because I know it can really numb out reality. But I need to really shed tears about where I am, I need to get it out and get it over with. So I won't always carry this horrible sorrow over my shoulders.
And all people can say is "im sorry". I developed this sadness being away from by brother. I miss my brother so much. And time is going by and I need to do something I just don't know what to do with feeling sad all the time, i don't have pity parties either, I usally save my sadness to where im alone. I usally fake being happy around people, its like you fake it till you make it. But when I get alone I feel this terrible depression always come over me.
Listen I know I could talk about this all night and day, and still not make any progress. I usally only get like this at night. It's a pattern or cycle. That's the time im wide awake and alert. I still usally get depressed in the afternoon, and the sorrow gets worse at night.
I have to say. I will read your posts. I just don't want to waste anyone's time if they really put effort into helping me because sometimes its a choice to either be happy or sad. Their just always this weight of depression that does come...
I will appricate anything you write. Just tell what happiness is. I want to find God. I want to pray again and faith again and not feel like I've lost all hope and faith in ever seeing a better tommorow again.
poster:rjlockhart04-08
thread:1002606
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20111110/msgs/1002606.html