Posted by hyperfocus on October 30, 2011, at 15:42:39
In reply to Re: Chasing hypomania: is it realistic? » hyperfocus, posted by floatingbridge on October 27, 2011, at 12:50:30
> >So is this the med response I should be looking for - simply well regulated motivation and concentration and decrease fear and neurotic thinking?
>
> This sounds like a good starting place on which to build a life. At least to me. It's difficult to live life in the absence of regulation and in the presence of unremitting fear.Yes it is difficult. One major feature of the state I'm describing is vastly reduced fear and miles better emotional regulation. I don't feel like I've murdered children in my past, the dial on rejection sensitivity is turned way down and perceived reward for activities, social and private, turned way up. The smallest social miscue was not life-ruining and anything requiring more than ten minutes of concentration was not insurmountable. Honestly when I'm in this good state, no matter how short it is, I see the rest of the time as just not living.
>
> >Is that healthy euphoria I felt and long for unrealistic? I think to myself there's no immediate reason the serotonin/dopamine peaks of hypomania should be 'normal' for me right now. Yet when I was well and healthy wasn't this how I felt all the time and took for granted till became ill?
>
> I'm not sure I have ever felt a healthy euphoria. Certainly not as a child. Even the idea of Santa coming would send me into fits of insomnia. I think because life was such misery as a child. I guess I question the word 'euphoria'. Do you place the advent of illness in childhood or teen years?Euphoria might be too big of a word. I like your term better - innocence. Like Phillipa described it was ok to be just content with and to like living for what it was and accepting the ups and downs. We didn't have much money and it would grieve me a lot to see the other kids with their Nintendos and bikes and other things I didn't have. I was also scared to death of any adult outside my immediate family. But it was just part of life I accepted and was content with. I was no better or worse than any one else I (subconsciously) thought. It was only around age 12 that other people began communicating to me that I was different, that I was somehow inferior to them, that I was deserving of scorn and ridicule.
>
> Anyways, I am looking for a peaceful neutrality. But that's me talking about my personality and what is tolerable for me.
>Hypomania is probably the wrong term - what I crave for is also peaceful emotional neutrality. I'd just like to feel like how I did when I as much younger before I became ill. I just want to stop having to con and convince myself that reading or working or going out is worthwhile. I'd like to get a proper emotional response to the things in my life - not the exaggerated despair and crushing sadness and self-loathing I've had for so long.
> I think we each need to ask this question for ourselves. What might be a correct state for the poster you named below might look good and may even get support in popular culture (no knocks to anyone implied) but we each have different set-points. I tried to combat my fears for many years by trying to maintain and inhabit a self that was too large, too happy and shiny. I admit I am very worn down by the years, but I do think the pleasure we (as a culture) sometimes ascribe to the childhood years is not sustainable. Nor should it be. Along with the child freshness is an innocence from a lack of experience. It was Blake who wrote that innocence comes after experience. I feel that is a state I want to strive for. But again, this is me talking about my own self. You may indeed have a large or robust personality and may be correct in seeking more for yourself. Maybe dancing on table tops and breaking plates like Zorba is really your speed. I am exaggerating here, maybe.Whenever I see 14-and 15-year olds out in the mall having fun and holding hand I feel a lot of grief because I know that is something I've probably lost forever. I used to watch shows like The Wonder Years and My So called Life in my early twenties and wish I could have had a life like that. It's not that I want 4 girlfriends and a Ferrari and be CEO of a billion dollar company.
> the child's brain does not work at all like the adult brain. So the freshness that is endearing in a child is not the same freshness adults can bring to a situation. As someone who missed out on much pleasure as a child, I have tendencies to mourn and try to recreate that child-experience. But really, it would only be an imitation for me. Now that I am older, I have less time to spend on imitation.
>It's funny - I was reading the Wikipedia article on euphoria and it says that children can generate euphoria in themselves by playing. We don't really want to regress to this state - it's just the emotional neutrality and sense of hope and freedom that I think that we miss. I used to wake up every morning wondering what the day would bring. Really this is most of what I really want from my meds.
C-PTSD: social phobia, major depression, dissociation.
Currently: 450mg amitriptyline single dose at night.
Also: Allegra, 1000mg Vitamin C.
Slowly improving.
poster:hyperfocus
thread:1000969
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20111027/msgs/1001216.html