Posted by freefree1133 on August 3, 2011, at 20:47:08
In reply to Re: Feeling absolutely hopeless (Post-SSRI experience), posted by bleauberry on August 2, 2011, at 18:38:00
Thanks for the responses, everyone. Bleauberry, I hate to ask any more from you after such an extensive, thoughtful post, but I was wondering if you could describe the state of your mind/brain/body after coming off SSRI's? Are you taking any meds, or was diet, "forcing", and supplements all you took to get things going again? Can you describe your progress? I guess I'm really just interested in your story. Thank you so much for the reply.
To Phillipa, and I guess Bleauberry as well-- I'm not sure that this isn't depression. It very well could be. I know feeling numb, as some people describe, is a symptom of depression. Still, the bizarre nature of of my reality, it's development coinciding directly with my starting the medication and progressing further after withdrawal, as well as my symptoms in no resembling the depression I experienced before medicines, all seem to suggest to me that this is, in fact, the medication.
Before SSRI's, I was a very miserable human being. Obsessive thoughts, an ego that had swollen and burst under it's own expectations so as to keep me feeling perpetually worthless and pathologically judgmental, anger and sadness about the state of the world, especially the environment, etc. Still, I felt human. I had a libido, goals, feelings (mostly negative), and was interested in romantic prospects (though I was mostly concerned with regaining my mental equilibrium, as I knew something was out of wack).
Now, though, I feel nothing. I feel like there is a glass between me in reality. I'm completely apathetic. Anhedonia? It's not that I don't feel pleasure any more, I feel nothing. No motivation, love, hatred, attachment, arousal. I can't feel my surroundings. Physically, too, I feel strange. I don't get hungry, and when I wake up I don't ever feel tired. I just turn on and off like a robot. I don't sleep much, waking up in the middle of the night, but I never feel tired the next day. It's like I've been separated from my unconscious mind and body (which some schools of thought would have you believe are related and the same thing).
I too have had ECT, and tried an MAOI, though at a subtherapeutic dose. They did produce a change, pulling me out of despair and despondency, and normalized my sleep a little more. I had glimmers of emotion that lasted only seconds every now and then during that time.
Is this depression? I would actually like to believe it is. If all you do is use the HAMD to produce a diagnosis, or another objective, technical set of criteria, then by most accounts, yes, I am depressed. If you were to live my subjective experience, though, you might think something else is going on.
poster:freefree1133
thread:992607
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110728/msgs/992770.html