Posted by hyperfocus on April 13, 2011, at 23:18:00
We're all having a hard time - suffering a lot - otherwise we wouldn't be here. But for all the pain I see expressed here, I'm constantly amazed at how many good people there are on this board. Maybe in the future we'll be able to crystallize what depression and bipolar et. al are into mind programs that we can inject into all potential doctors, so they can experience it first hand for like a year. I guarantee this will be more valuable that a whole year of med school. Anyway, most of us including me look with a huge amount of regret at the years we've had this disease, but recently I've started to believe differently.
Here's two things to consider, regardless of their historical accuracy or authenticity:
1. When people asked Jesus how they could be like him, his response always was "Basically, you're f-----d."
2. The Israelites were horrible soldiers. They were constantly getting their butt kicked by everybody. The Philistines considered them such a joke they made a whole war come down to a school-yard betting match. Whenever Israel went out to fight anybody, it was like a bunch of Somali pirates vs. the whole U.S. Marine Corps.
One of the things that I'm learning as I suffer through this disease is that suffering brings many good things. It brings compassion, empathy, tenderness, unselfishness, patience, understanding, and wisdom. It forces you to prioritize stuff. Not just what will make you happy or satisfied in life, not just what you consider important, but also what you must judge yourself by.
So what I'm gradually learning is that there's a huge amount of stuff in this life that isn't important, and a few simple things that are. Having material things, we all know, isn't important. But feeling happy, just like any other feeling, is temporary. Like at 25 you marry that gorgeous guy or girl who gets your heart racing every time you see them, and 5 years later you realize that physical qualities are the absolute worst predictor of a person's character and capacity to love. I think that even how we feel day-to-day or the thoughts that come into our mind aren't important. Even how we treat people we love, sometimes, isn't necessarily important.
It seems to me that the important thing isn't how happy you are or how strong you are, or even how kind and good you are. One thing I have always struggled with, having social phobia, is that I think I'm a coward. But I don't really think this is true any more. Like SLS says it takes a huge amount of courage to live with this illness. And also, I think, not to hurt other people. Some of the people who hurt me decided that it was the best way to deal with their own hurt. But I'm not like that and I never will. I think it's what you believe inside, that determines if you're a good or courageous person. I think that inside all of us there's a pure spark that can't be touched, by anything, even our own thoughts and emotions.
I don't know for sure if a God exists but if he does, he seems to bless people like the Israelites and grant them victory, irregardless of what they do or feel or how brave they are. It's not the brave or the happy or even the kind who get rewarded. He seems to have a incurable habit of picking the most unlikely, miserable people to bless and carry out his will. And part of Jesus' message was that the more you suffer, the closer you get to him.
So like me when you're dealing with intense shame and self-loathing it might be worth the effort to re-prioritize what you think is important and re-evaluate what you hate yourself for. Because truth and wisdom and judgment and love are eternal. I think we feel a great deal of shame about our actions because we know and fervently believe in what the right things in life are. We have so much of these four things inside of us that not being able to live according to them is almost unbearable. But it seems to me that having that knowledge itself is what's most important and what we should value the most. Because the truth is most people don't have it. A lot of people don't have depression and anxiety and all the rest because they believe in nothing. They have no remorse because they don't know or care about doing the right thing. They see themselves as good and proper and don't really care about how they treat others. So I don't want to be like most people. I'd rather continue to be in pain than lie to myself like most people. I'd rather tear myself up endlessly about how I treated the people who cared about me, than see myself as something I'm not.
poster:hyperfocus
thread:982743
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110406/msgs/982743.html