Posted by NKP on April 9, 2011, at 16:16:32
At a deeper level I have always felt sad even as a small child. I often have a feeling of impending tragedy, a fear that my loved ones are going to die or that some other ill fate will become them.
When I was sixteen years old my doctor said I had depression and he put me on citalopram. In the thirteen years since I have been on various antidepressants on and off. Some of them helped me function better. I have also been for therapy which helped.
I cry easily and often have thoughts about killing myself, although I don't think I have it in me to attempt suicide. Sometimes however when I get very upset I just lose it for maybe a half hour. When I am in this state I do things like kick furniture, pound my fists on walls and desks, scream into pillows, slam doors, etc. So far I have not turned violent on another person though. I worry that some day I might be capable of doing something stupid during a moment of impulsiveness when I am in that state.
I have a problem whereby I bite my fingers when I feel under stress. It has gotten really bad. My fingers are covered with calluses and last year my one finger became infected and the doctor warned me that I might end up with needing a finger amputated if I continued to bite myself.
Lately I feel extremely irritable and I have had many arguments with people around me over silly things. I sometimes worry that I might one day become physically violent if I am pushed far enough.
I went to my doctor the other day and he said I should go back on medication. He put me on Zoloft and low dose Fluanxol because historically that was the regimen that worked best for me.
I've only been on the Zoloft and Fluanxol for a few days now but I already feel a bit better. It also feels like my mind is less noisy. I feel much less irritable and more calm.
Of course, somebody could take cocaine and say they feel better when they take cocaine, but that doesn't mean they should be taking cocaine.
Now I feel wrong for using medication again. One of my friends (who incidentally has bipolar disorder and uses lithium) says he doesn't think I am depressed and that I am merely going through a rough patch and he thinks I don't need to be on medication.
I am also very scared I might get bad side effects from the Fluanxol, like tardive dyskinesia, balding, or growing breasts.
I know I am not "not depressed", yet I'm not sure if I'm clinically depressed either. Something is amiss with my behaviour though, for example the biting of my fingers, the rage, and the thoughts about dying.
I would appreciate your thoughts.
poster:NKP
thread:982358
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110406/msgs/982358.html