Posted by vic80 on March 6, 2010, at 7:12:04
I have had no history of any mental illness or any other major illness. I do not use any intoxicants, am a non-smoker and a vegetarian.
I have had a very stressed past 3-4 years with a lot of personal/familial and financial problems which I think brought on my sever anxiety and depression which I was diagnosed for 2 months ago.
I have been on escitalopram 10mg for over 8 weeks. It has made my dysphoric/depressive spells less.... but of late I realised I am not able to feel much emotion... like some sort of zombie state of mind
I keep trying to sing songs in my mind to avoid the blank feeling... keep talking to myself in my head...
I am not even letting my mind silent for a second for the fear of blanking out... and when I am concentrating on any physical work which does not involve reading or talking... i start staring into blankness... and immidiately after that I panic badly...
I 'have an above average individual ability and my personality type is neurotic' according to a psych. therapist I consulted a couple of months ago.
I am very sorry for the incoherence in my question. I guess I am feeling quite stressed.
What has made me utterly distressed is that past 4-5 days I have realised/felt that I am not thinking much too. I have very few thoughts. And this scares me.I am not sure firstly if I am emotinally-numbed - I do have to say that I am not reactive - I do not light up at seeing people I know... I feel apathetic and disinterested in most things.... not that I do not enjoy at ALL if I participate..
Before medication I recall being quite anxious and had spells of severe depression. But this current state of being numb is very very difficult to take. It is making me further depressed in a way.
I have read a lot about SSRI's emotional-numbing effect, but is thought-numbing too a side-effect?Could it be that because for the past 3 months or so I have been caught inside my mind, constantly watching myself and have been disconnected fromt the outside world has made me suddenly realise as though I have nothing to think..
I also feel a bit unreal at times.... especially in eveningscould it be that I am trying to run away from my own negative thoughts that keep going on in my subconscious... sometimes when I feel blank i feel as though theres another thought processin my deep mind which I am not aware of....
I have some very nihilistic thoughts in mind once in a while which scare me a lot...
I am very concerned... I am not sure if this thought-numbing/ lack of thoughts thing has been going on through the entire time of the medication, or I suddenly felt it a couple of days ago.
Its definitely making life difficult beyond words.
I am infact to the extent of feeling stupid distressed. I keep wondering "how I used to think", "what I used to think" etc.... it has made my situation quite horrible.I also feel that i react to strong emotional situations - with a knot in my throat and feel overwhelmed - anxious and feel as though I am swooning.
I have been a very creative person, very well read, philosophical and interested in arts... my intellectual abilities too seem rather dulled..
I guess my question is not just to do with the medication, but to know how I should handle the obviously difficult situation.
Is this some sort of a web I have cuaght myself in... where outside my head nothing seems to exist? Is it a part of depression (I have never ever felt like this before)...
My psych. doc whom I met today was not very empathetic and was rather dismissive of my concerns as my imaginings... and my financial condition / place of stay doesnt permit me to have many options..."
poster:vic80
thread:938679
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100305/msgs/938679.html