Posted by nolegirl323 on January 27, 2010, at 0:52:25
In reply to Re: depression is getting worse » nolegirl323, posted by Phillipa on January 26, 2010, at 12:28:18
> Noele so young I have a Daughter also in S fla. I also lived there once so understand when such beauty surrounds you that it's hard so hard to understand why you can't enjoy it. I truly do understand as I don't enjoy either. The cutting is of concern are you in any iminent danger? Would that be considered a personality disorder that might be helped in therphy borderline personality? How's your pdoc? Good? And the panic in stores seriously envy you for doing it all yourself. I'd just crash and burn. Do you cycle and got manic or stay mostly depressed? Love Phillipa
Hi Phillipa,
I think I remember you from a couple of years ago when I first posted here on psychobabble, thank you for your support :)
As opposed to most cutters, my cutting began in my mid-twenties; most cutters begin in adolescence. My cutting began in a treatment center a few years back. I was hospitalized for anorexia nervosa in 2005, and while in treatment, they took EVERYTHING from me; all of my coping mechanisms were stripped from me, and my roommate was a cutter. She swore that when she cut, it was as if the intolerable emotions that were killing her inside were being evacuated from her body as the blood poured out of her skin. I was 25 then, I tried it, and unfortunately, it worked. I'd never been a cutter before, so up until that point, my pdoc never looked into the possibility that I had a personality disorder. I've had the same pdoc since 2005, and it wasn't until I was admitted into another treatment center in 2009 that the pdoc at that facility educated me about Borderline Personality Disorder. I have a bachelor's degree in psychology, and have taken a few graduate level classes in psychology, and from everything that I've learned in school, being labeled as a "Borderline" is like a death card. From what I understand, therapists and psychiatrists alike are unwilling to take on Borderline patients because we are so "difficult & resistant to treatment." Based on the stigma attached to BPD, I've been extremely hesitant about exploring that area of my disease. I'm afraid that once I have a BPD diagnosis, that nobody will want to treat me, and that I'll be looked upon as a hopeless case. But, based on my symptoms & behaviors, I would say that there is a possibility that I may have some sort of personality disorder, probably BPD.
I'm just so afraid of being a "hopeless case," and I've heard so many times that BPD is extremely hard to treat, and oftentimes, individuals with BPD simply do not recover. I'm so scared that I'll never recover, so when BPD is brought up, I shut down. I dropped my last therapist when she suggested that I display numerous borderline traits... She herself even said that "personality disorders have no cure." I haven't been in therapy for about a month now, and I only see my pdoc once every three months for medication management. Whenever I see him, he seems overly eager to prescribe me whatever drug that the pharmaceudical sales rep who just left his office was peddling.. But at the same time, I'm afraid to switch doctors, I'm not quite sure why.
Something needs to change; at times I'm flying so high and loving life so much that it makes me wonder what depression ever felt like, but for the majority of the time, I just want to crawl into a hole and die.. Thats when I cut, when the depression creeps in and takes over my body and starts to 'make choices for me.' Sometimes I feel like I'm just a host body where my extreme feelings make the choices for me. When the depression creeps under my skin, it starts to burn and boil until I feel I'll explode unless it can be released; and thats when the cutting helps. Its as if cutting my skin opens up a space for the depression and anxiety to escape from my insides..And I hate it, I hate that it actually helps. I so want to be 'normal,' if normal even exists. I just want to feel as if I'm not on the verge of absolute insanity every second of every day, and I don't know what to do.
As to whether or not I'm in any danger regarding the cutting, I'm pretty sure that, at least at this point, the cuts aren't deep enough to cause great danger. But, over the years, I have begun to cut deeper, longer, and in a much more frenzied manner than ever before. It baffles me; I'm on meds, I was in therapy, I've been in two treatment centers in 5 years, and nothing is getting better. I just don't know what to do, or even what to say to my pdoc.. Or if I should get a new one.
Thank you so much for your support, I feel better just knowing that there are others out there who can relate.
poster:nolegirl323
thread:935006
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100122/msgs/935106.html