Posted by morganator on December 17, 2009, at 15:02:16
In reply to Re: Atypical Depression versus Bipolar Depression » morganator, posted by SLS on December 17, 2009, at 8:49:12
Well that's why I got off Zoloft in the first place. I was doing so many things that were good for me. Unfortunately, in the same time I did some things that ended up being really bad for me and I found myself in a horrific mixed episode. I truly believe that Zoloft would have help to prevent this episode from happening at all. I do think I need some type of medication to help keep me balanced somewhat. I don't need medication to bring me out of depression or mania completely. I am fortunate enough to do other things to treat my illness.
I think over the years I continually did things to keep me going and make me feel good, some were healthy and some not so healthy. Unfortunately, as I got older, I began to find myself unable to escape reality the way I once did and I had damaged my body in a way that I could no longer benefit from playing basketball and simply feeling good physically.
Now, I need to try to heal as much as possible-mind and body, find the right medication/medications-which I believe I am getting close to, get a job and figure out what the heck I'm going to do with my life, get back into individual and group therapy, start trying to enjoy going out with friends again-hopefully be able to dance comfortably again(I love dancing), take some art classes maybe, and just find a way to accept what I have lost over the last 3 years and move on.
I guess I am lucky in many ways. I know I don't have anything close to what you have going on, Scott. I think I have just been spoiled by some things. As much as I have struggled in life-3 mixed episodes, lots of anxiety issues, never took advantage of my true talents at the age when I should have been, feel like I lost my youth-there are many things that have come easy to me. Unfortunately, those things that came so easy to me are not so easy for me now. So, I am lost. This is also a transitional age for me especially since I have no career and never had one, my body is a wreck, and I'm single with no living with my brother. Seriously, If I didn't run triathlons professionally, become a dancer at a young age, maybe get into acting, maybe do something in the fine arts, or become a therapist-I just couldn't see myself doing anything else. I'm just one of those people. I don't know if I will ever have the mind and energy to go to grad school and get my master's in social work. That is the only thing I can do at this point. Unless I worked at a restaurant or wholefoods and eventually got into management-I'm really good with people.
Maybe my problems don't sound that bad. As far as I am concerned, I have been living a nightmare that I made into an even bigger nightmare. No one should be making the decisions I was making on my own while in a continued state of moderate mixed mania after my first hospitalization 2 years ago. It's really sad how families react to mental illness sometimes, even fairly loving connected families.
Sorry for going on that little rant-if it was a rant.
Scott, I really feel for ya brotha. You are obviously dealing with a bigger monster that just won't go away for whatever reason/reasons. I do think I can relate to feeling as depressed as you have felt. I just thing it does not last as long and I have something different going on that allows me to recover easier. Geeze, for me it's been my sensitivity to meds and all the med trials over the last 2 years, the fact that I am a few years older but feel more like 20 years older, I have not life or career, my ego has been shot, and I am obviously bipolar. I also have had this incredible fear of getting old and dying since I was very young, maybe 5. So taking everything that is going on with me and adding it to this fear makes for a bad combination.
Scott, I hope you find significant relief soon and get your life back. It's too bad we all don't live near each other I think it would help if some of us could become friends and meet up regularly. I am a true believer that being around people is healing. While it may not make a major dent in some people's illness, hopefully human connection/intimacy at least gives them something to look forward to and feel good about. I understand that for those in really bad states it may not be possible to get out and see people. Or, even if they were able to or people came to visit them, they may feel so bad and disconnected that they are unable to benefit from it.
Wow I have rambled enough. You bring up some good ideas about managing mood. You are a highly intelligent person Scott. Whatever you feel your depression has done to your mind it does not show in your posts.
Peace,
Morgan
poster:morganator
thread:929182
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20091217/msgs/929725.html