Posted by g_g_g_unit on November 6, 2009, at 21:30:36
In reply to Re: You tell me how to treat this. » floatingbridge, posted by Phidippus on November 1, 2009, at 22:32:58
wow Phiddipus. if i can't add anything useful to this thread, then it at least feels really comforting to find someone finally describe an experience i've been going through, and struggling to get a grip on.
i kind of wondered why there were times when i felt like i was going completely crazy with anxiety, and others (hours, days apart) where i entered, as you say, a kind of terror-filled calm. the idea that it's based on the "ratio" of these voices seems interesting. for example, small parnate doses (10, 20mg) fed the OCD voice, which overrode everything else and pushed me into an intense panic, because those looping thoughts were given enough fuel to feel more present. the depersonalization goes away to some extent, but that's because i'm so consumed with dealing with the OCD.
but off medication, when depressed, or on SSRI monotherapy, i feel like i experience more just this broken-record ADHD kind of voice which can't really stay pinned on any topic long enough for me to feel present. i just have to let the thoughts (fractured ruminations) exist. sometimes the OCD voice comes into play and tries to control my inner monologue and put it back on track, but i get nowhere, because there isn't enough fuel for the OCD fire. i experience no physical anxiety, but i feel completely alienated from myself.
i can relate to what you say about feeling lonely. i was saying to my therapist that it's so sad when i can't even rely on my own company any longer. i just have to feed myself constant stimulation - music, TV, games - to feel like i exist.
i've been wondering how i'm meant to realign those voices, pharmalogically-speaking, so i can feel more like a human being. i've also been wondering how i'm even going to begin explaining the problem to a psych. my only idea is a detailed record of what meds i've been on and how each influenced (or brought on) each state.
poster:g_g_g_unit
thread:922520
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20091029/msgs/924803.html