Posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 6:07:29
In reply to Thinking about suicide, posted by maxime on August 9, 2009, at 19:23:40
Hi Maxime.
I have the utmost respect for you, and I like you very much.
You know that I am writing this because I would prefer that you not end your life. If I could somehow convince you to persevere, that would be my goal. The only thing is, I can't guarantee that things will get better for you, just as I can't make that guarantee to myself. Lithium is pooping-out on me, and I have run out of ideas. At the moment, I am trying to justify pushing. I am always pushing, pushing, pushing. It is fatiguing and demoralizing. I get despondent, too. More rarely, I get very depressed about being so depressed without respite and without hope for my future. So now, what do we do with that?
I do very well when I have sighted hope. That is to say, that as long as I can conceive of an alternate treatment that I have never tried before, logically, there is hope. Then, there is the blind hope that exists in the absence of logical hope. This is the hope that lies in uncertainty. One cannot be certain that things will not get better. This is the hope that helps me get past hopelessness.
Outlook. This is the bottom line when it comes to a rationale to commit suicide. If you are hopeless, and you have deliberated your situation with a sound mind, then your outlook is one of certain doom. It becomes an act of autoeuthanasia. If, however, you maintain an outlook that there is no certainty of doom, suicide becomes less logical. Some, like me, will argue that this uncertainty extends to a belief in an afterlife. Here, I base my decisions on uncertainty. I must therefore choose my actions on the premise that there is no afterlife. Termination for me means oblivion. It is the permanent end of my consciousness. I guess I am not ready for me to end yet.
I imagine that what I wrote here can make you either more suicidal or less suicidal. I hope it is the latter. I do believe in autoeuthanasia, but I do not believe that it is time for you to exercise that option just yet. I do not believe that, if you were to commit to making the most of each moment with what little God has given you to work with, you would not find some reward to continuing your life. That, of course, is just a guess. I don't really know you or what you are experiencing. You do function well enough to read, write, interact, and contribute. There are people that can do none of those things and are rendered motionless and mute. I know something about this. Still, to know this does not make your situation any less severe. It does, however, give you some choices, though.
You and I are probably similar in that we cannot find a legitimate reason for why we continue to live with an illness that requires us to withstand so much frustration and pain. It doesn't make sense. Yet, here we are. There is something inside of us that won't allow us to give up. Perhaps this is a curse. If so, then I thank God this curse.
Currently:Parnate 80mg
nortriptyline 150mg
Lamictal 200mg
Abilify 20mg
lithium 900 (as of today)
Logic dictates that if you have not tried this exact combination, then you cannot be certain that you are doomed. Besides, agomelatine and vilazodone are just around the corner. Hope lies there. For every drug that becomes available, a certain percentage of previously refractory patients will go on to respond to them. I apologize for giving you sighted hope here. Of course, that was one of my goals.
* I don't have the mental energy to proofread this, so tough crap.:-)
- Scott
poster:SLS
thread:911201
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090810/msgs/911278.html