Posted by garnet71 on June 10, 2009, at 18:09:26
In reply to New PDoc, posted by garnet71 on June 5, 2009, at 19:21:28
Thanks for the good wishes.
In continuing with my history today, I had the most uncomfortable conversation of my entire life with another human being. We didn't talk about medications because he said we still have to continue my background/history next week.
It was scary that he had me feeling like a vulnerable little girl. But yet I was joking or had a nonchalant attitude about everything, not purposely, and I didn't realize I was doing this, until he asked me why I was doing that instead of crying, and I said because my family and life had been so rediculous, there's really no other way to act anymore when thinking about it all. I was just trying to discuss everything rationally so he could get a clear picture, but for some reason had the hardest time articulating things; I couldn't really think and kept fidgeting and playing with a pillow.
I feel very strange for talking to him that way, then I realized it might have been because he had no body language or reaction/feedback to anything during most of the session, and I couldn't sense anything from his eyes-I've never known someone so difficult to read. And it's not that I should be doing that, but it's automatic and I only realized he was like this after I left because I felt so uncomfortable the whole time. I guess it's social anxiety or something, i remember one therapist who I could immediately see in her eyes she was judging me during one conversation, for example....and just notice that stuff with daily conversations I guess.
So when I left i realized his behavior left me feeling totally exposed, in that with therapists I've gone through hisotry w/before never were like that, and I'd never had a psychiatrist probe me like that before. I think that's why I didn't cry, feeling so vulnerable and exposed. What an uncomfortable realization. My communication behavior was very odd. But I think he did that on purpose to get a specific reaction from me?
I don't feel so well and I noticed i had major chest pains after leaving his office and they haven't gone away. It's a different kind of anxiety I've never had before. I feel sort of confused about the whole experience.
I do feel positive because he has referred to wanting to know "everything" several times, and wouldn't knowing everything lead to a much better treatment outcome? I'm a little worried I don't know how long its going to take for him to find out 'everything', and I couldn't remember 1/2 the stuff he was asking me about, but he did say he could understand why I don't remember. His probing just seems so intense and uncomfortable. I guess it's all for the better though.
poster:garnet71
thread:899584
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090531/msgs/900348.html