Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on September 27, 2008, at 18:06:20
I have to get this out. If you dont believe me, go your own way, do not respond.
I have suffered so much abuse, self-abuse, and cried until my eyes have dried of tears. And i have had it with people saying your the "victim". Do people not see what is going on in my mind? there ignorant, they know nothing, all they see is a man.
I've had emotional outbursts on the floor, people didnt care, my mother just recently said "if you want to end your life, then you make that descion". And still, is almost "waiting" for me to do it. I'm sorry i was born to a mother of this.
Those words are of Satan, the abuse she caused(s) me is beyond comprehention. When i was 17 i went beserk because i was over alot and my mother came screaming in room, the next the she did was "your going into a hospital". Repeated times she did this, and blamed me. "You are the problem" then why dont you HELP ME! "because i'm not you". Control and manipulation. I do rebell, but have to see the main problem, the source is coming from her. And then i get blamed, and assumptionally accused of anything that goes wrong, people will always point the finger at me. 2nd of all, my speech disorder causes me to forget events, because they where so bad, i chose to forget them, and life is a "window". I want to touch someone and feel a friend, but there is a window, if anyone will have ear, i'm in a room trying to break this "window" that holds back emotional turmoil. I cant, "offically" feel someone.
I hope this woman will endure the burning feeling of torment she inflicted on me, let the filthy still be filthy.
The amount i've cried so hard on the floor with no one there, it doesnt matter anymore. I've cried so hard, migranes have started. Personalites where created to help and comfort, "Tiffany" replaced my mother. I've thought how crazy this is, but this is the truth. I've thought about taking a blow to the head, but immidiatly personalites will switch and will not let it take place. There is a "mental" mother inside me. I take care of myself, in my perceptive life is passive, i have to switch to see it in diffrent views.
I have a mother that was created in results of "abandonment". Because these people where never there fully for me, and result, characters, or could personalites "i love you so much" even when i'm left, in the rain, the whole world leaves me behind. tell me they love me. The feeling of Abondnment, will cause some personality disorder's. I've thought about terminating my life, really the best way is a full blow to the head. I'll give whatever to her and say "only the one who inflicts the pain can take it away". My mother already told me "its ok" its your choice. I'll just hand her the Gun, and ask her, you gave life to me. Now you will take it from me.
I dont ever talk about this in public or with other people, because they think its b*llsh*t. The truth will set you free, if people are blind to it, that's their own loss. All i know is God, will wipe every tear from our eyes, neither shall their be no more pain and suffering, these things will of passed of away. Suffering is real, Happiness is an Illusion.
The feeling of abandonment with a disorder(asperger's) that i cannot take on responsiblity that other people my age can. Other people, domimant personalites where created as a "mother" and a "father" and others....
I am controlled in every aspect of my life, i need some advice right now, please tell me how to get out. I dont want to end my life, and all these things will go away once i get away from this house. I just need, motherly and fatherly support from this website. My mother doenst know what to do. Now knowing, i'm in so much desperate pain right now, i'm venting. And who ever says this is wrong, its not, look at this site and you will see, we support eachother here.
These things will pass away, if i give a consent for somehere that is morally to be here with me.
Amen
Rj
poster:rjlockhart04-08
thread:854436
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20080926/msgs/854436.html