Posted by Racer on August 30, 2008, at 14:12:46
In reply to Same old meds, same old results, posted by Nurse Hot Flash on August 30, 2008, at 13:13:00
I'm not sure it's the same thing, but I just told my psychopharmacologist that I am not looking for euthymia at this point -- I'm just looking for enough oomph to get me out of bed every day without planning to off myself.
I've tried so many medications, some multiple times, and sometimes I feel as though it's time to give up -- that I just don't have adequate quality of life, and euthanasia would be the most humane choice. He says that ain't an option, so I keep trying -- often quite reluctantly. In my case, I'm aware that I'm a big part of the problem -- partly biologically, partly psychologically. Biologically, I've had some weird reactions to some of the antidepressants I've tried -- hives, syncope, severely increased depression, etc. Things that my doctor could objectively say required discontinuation.
Psychologically, there are certain adverse effects I have very low tolerance for. That's a personal choice, to an extent -- we all have a personal cost/benefit ratio when it comes to adverse effects. In my case, for example, if a medication leaves me amotivated, apathetic, groggy, and so emotionally flat that pleasure really isn't within my range -- well, honestly, with the exception of grogginess, that sounds like what depression looks like to me. Add in the physical effects -- weight gain, constipation, sleep disturbances, etc -- subtract the suicidal ideation and impulses, and that's not an acceptable picture for me. Sometimes I am annoyed by myself when I refuse to tolerate that sort of thing, and I know that some of the doctors I've seen have been annoyed by it, too. I feel very fortunate that my current doctor is understanding -- if frustrated by the at best marginal results of treatment for me -- of the quality of life issues, and -- this really is a great guy -- even says that quality of life is subjective, so if I say it ain't worth it, that's all he needs to know.
My diagnostic picture is obviously quite different from your son's -- depression, anxiety, anorexia, and some OCD spectrum issues -- and I have neither experience nor knowledge of schizophrenia. I only know that my own situation is frustrating, demoralizing, and difficult to live with, for me and often for those close to me. Maybe it's only a symptom of my depression that leads me to think that all I can hope for is Good Enough, Stabilization, Improvement. At least I'm not watching it from outside, and I'm of an age that I often figure it doesn't much matter anymore if I ever achieve remission. (<< That's probably depression, but I think it would be much harder if I were younger and felt as if my life had more potential. At this point, a lot of the things I would want for myself really aren't possible anymore, which lowers the bar a hell of a lot.) I think in many ways your situation is much harder -- there's the feeling of impotence, that you can't make everything right for your son; and I'm assuming he's a good deal younger than I. It's always hard to watch someone one cares about suffer -- maybe harder than going through that suffering oneself.
I don't know that anything I've written here is helpful in any way, or even truly relevant to your question. I guess the short answer to your question is, "Yes, I do feel that way. Often."
poster:Racer
thread:849242
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20080822/msgs/849265.html