Posted by me213 on September 5, 2007, at 17:00:55
hey everyone! been struggling to read through lot's of posts here now for a while, my fault entirely due to my lack of focus and wavering attention span. I've been like this since oh, I'd say 5 or 6 is as far back as I can remember. I always had trouble reading despite my parents locking me away to read in my room :/
anyway, I don't want to go into my background too much in this post coz it's complex. but in a nutshell, our family basically traveled as expats all my life. I switched schools, switched countries, switched social circles. I believe as a direct result of ADD, perhaps dyslexia and always having to 'fit in' time and time again; I never really established any kind of confidence as a kid. this shyness was acceptable as a child but in adulthood it doesn't bode well at all :/
so the lack of focus and shyness has extended it's way through my 20's into my early 30's and I'm basically at a loss now. for the best part of a decade I've been socially isolating myself, but at times trying different jobs, college courses etc and always end up fleeing into my introspective nightmare scenario!
to make matters worse my family has broken apart and I have no social grounding, background, identity or sense of belonging to any particular place. so basically I'm alone in this.
at age 19 I did find some social anxiety relief in cannabis, marijuana use. I even used to go for interviews while stoned! a few years down the track though and now i still use tiny amounts, but daily and always on my own.
my GP scripted me prozac at 20mgs, which did help to lift my depression ever so slightly and I guess it does create a window of opertunity, but ultimitley began to just blend into the background. I never went to a higher dose and it was never suggested by my GP that I do so.
I started to see a head shrinker, where does that name come from I wonder? maybe they help you to become more narrow minded or something and less immersed in deep contemplation and analysis of every little detail.
he started to tell me about CBT and fight or flight responces. all good I thought, but very hard to put it into practice due to my circumstances and lack of social integration. so group therapy came next, that was like utter torture for me and to be honest I couldn't even attend without several alcoholic beverages beforehand, not a good solution, so I quit after four sessions as I really couldn't relate to anyone else in the class anyway.
well this has been going on for years and years now. I've been in and out of soo many menial jobs but just didn't relate or seem to fit in, just feeling socially awkward and inadequate. actually, I get this feeling I'm projecting it onto other people too, making them also uncomfortable.
anyhoo, I'll cut to the chase. after say a decade of seeing various GP's as where I live is remote and GP's come and go, I started to get embarrassed . so I gave up on the GP's and started trying to piece together info on the net about what may help with my situation, depression, lack of attention etc.
I heard Klonopin was a wonder drug for treating SA and really thought it'd be some kind of miracle cure. so I got some clonazepam and xanax and tried the self medicate approach. i've always been very wary of taking pills though. so I didn't hammer them at all. the effect was to make me more relaxed and they make wonderful spinal and muscle relaxants as well as fantastic sleeping med's. but for SA and depression, if anything I couldn't be bothered to talk and the lingering depression would still be there.
after reading of some people getting amazing anti depressant effects from tramadol this was the next must try. I read it acted on the same areas of the brain as the SNRI effexor which I heard too has been used with some fantastic results, but withdrawls can be very unpleasant.
tramadol at 50mg's, in a similar vein to k-pin does offer some light relief but alot of drowsiness and is not exactly what i'd call pro social either.
just on a side note, I've also given parnate a fair bash for 5 months or so going up to 60mg's. this gave some really bad side effects that I've read are fairly common. feeling completely lethargic when trying to increase the dose, to the point of not being able to function and just laying on the floor in some very odd mind state, feeling freezing cold, and other side effects. this was helped by eating small amounts when taking a dose. okay so it did seem to work for my depression slightly, I'd say about as much as 20mg's prozac. but it isn't really noticeable that it's doing much at all until you actually stop taking it! weirldy, a day or two after stopping I became really quite pro social, talking to cashiers and everything which I usually never ever do, then WHAM I'm back in a raging sea of depressive emotions which is wear I've been for about the past month and a half.
what I'd really like to know is should I make myself take tramadol every day to notice the anti depressive qualities or is it more on a as needed basis. same question for k-pin/xanax.
basically is it cumulative.
also, I have a big social gathering to attend this weekend and my anxiety is going up and up as each day passes. I know my only true remedy to be pro social would be to drink alcohol, then try to cover up the smell with coffee. but the problem is I've been alcohol free for some time, so I feel as though it's plainly obvious from an onlookers point of view I've been drinking coz I don't have any control of the inebriating effects.
at the moment the only thing that gives me some pep and depression remission is provigil (modafinil) and to a lesser extent coffee, but coffee also gives me anxiety. the problem with provigil is that it only lasts an hour or two then I'm back in my slump.
sorry for the long post, I shoud've kept it more to the point and on topic.
brain fog is the best way to describe how my mind feels. also I eat healthy and exercise, mainly thanks to the small amounts of marijuana I smoke late into the day. for some people mary jane just makes them want to sit back and chill, but for me I feel the urge to run, do yoga and basically break free! does that make any sense?
eeek, sorry this has gone into a rant now. I'll leave it there. any thoughts would be greatly appreciated and thank you all for this wonderful resource :o)
take care out there.
poster:me213
thread:781002
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070831/msgs/781002.html