Posted by Sandra62 on May 12, 2007, at 17:29:57
In reply to Re: Creeping self doubt » Bonnie_CA, posted by Phillipa on May 10, 2007, at 21:21:45
Man I know exactly how you feel. I suffer from tremendous guilt and remorse and lack of creativity. There are so many things that I have messed up in my life. I'm 45 years old and live with so much regret. I used to be an elementary school teacher before I was diagnosed with Bipolar and I would freak out and snap at times, I was a music teacher and other times I would shine and the kids would too and most of them really loved my classes. But I would let those incidents where I lost my temper and patience ruin my day. I quit teaching two years ago. Burnt out. I used to be so creative, I play guitar and piano and sing and write songs but haven't been able to for months and months. I used to do it professionally. I was very, very good. Had two chances at a record contract but things fell through. I am also a writer in general and have writer's block. I'm frustrated, so very unhappy with my lack of motivation. I miss my highs that were squelched by anti-psychotics. I've gone off of them recently and I'm starting to feel a little better. I need to excersise. Bought a treadmill but have only used it handful of times. Gained all kinds of weight on Zyprexa and I hate it. Need to get myself together and it's so hard.
I just saw my PDOC and my pyschologist the other day and my PDOC told me to remember that I am more than a diagnosis, and there is no magic pill that will help me. It must come from within. She agreed that yes we are working on the right cocktail and hope for the best. But to work on my issues with gusto. My psychologist notes that I have no grounding and lack of a feeling of self-worth. There is a lot of history to plough through. My homework for her is to write in a Journal. To really get to the bottom of all of my demons and dreams. It will take alot of hard work but I love both my PDOC and my psychologist and with their support I really feel that I'm going to find a way out of this abyss once and for all. But it's baby steps and I'm going to have to be patient. Not my strong point. Sigh.
Just wanted to write and tell you that you are not alone with these feelings. I hope that you can find a way to feel better soon. Hugs, Sandra
poster:Sandra62
thread:757468
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070509/msgs/758179.html