Posted by deniseuk190466 on January 9, 2007, at 15:41:08
Hi,
As I spent two years trying so many drugs and then finally getting a response to Seroxat which seem to stop working so well and then coming off it and feeling absolutely lousy.
I'm starting to worry, that over the years and after so many drugs (which didn't work that easily in the first place) that I'm becoming more tolerant and resistant than ever.
Coming off Seroxat seemed to pitch me into hell and even adding Zyprexa every 7 days didn't help as much as it used to (at least not with the depression).
I'm now taking Nardil under my own guidance but even my response to this seems to be different to when I took it before, in that I feel less spaced out. It's definately helping with the anxiety but I just worry about where this is all leading to and worry that one day nothing will help.
I felt awful when all this started 5 years ago so know I needed something I just never anticipated all of the let downs.
Years and years ago when I took antidepressants and they worked really well, I always felt that they were healing me. To some extent they did, I came off them for three years and was ok. But now I just worry more and more about resistance and tolerance.
Even if I did find something that really worked I think I'd still worry that they'd stop working and that I'd get even worse. I worry about why medication doesn't work as well now as it did in my 20s, I worry about why meds that used to work no longer work and sometimes I just feel really scared because the memories of depression and anxiety always seem to be very near to me and I get scared that one day I'm going to feel like that permanently, for ever.......ahhhhhhh.
This Nardil seems to be helping but I worry that so did SSRIs used to help but they stopped. I've tried dropping it to 30mg but felt bad on 30mg. Tonight I'm not sure what to do whether to increase from 45mg to 60mg or not. I just keep hoping that it will help for a couple of months so that I can make a switch back to an SSRI and in the hope that the SSRI will work again.
Sometimes even when I feel better on medication I worry about what I'm really like underneath it all and worry about my dependence on medication.
When I'm feeling really bad I'm convinced I would go for Deep Brain Stimulation or ECT if there was a chance that it would work but if I had it and it worked I'd still worry that it would stop working. I'd still have this niggling feeling that I was only feeling capable, calm and enjoying life because of a contraption in my head, that underneath it all I am a total wreck.
Strangely though, when the seroxat finally worked at 40mg I didn't worry about what I was like underneath it all. It was reassuring really to know that I could still respond to seroxat and at a relatively low dose. I did however sense that it wouldn't work for that long but it wasn't that same sense of unease as I have now.
I know this sounds melodramatic but I feel like I've been given glimpses of hell and it's in my own head.
Just want a bit of reassurance, I get so scared sometimes. I know a lot of people on this board do but some people seem to be more hopeful and optimistic than myself.
Denise
poster:deniseuk190466
thread:720833
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070107/msgs/720833.html