Posted by mike lynch on May 24, 2006, at 2:01:10
I seriously don't know if I can continue like this. I was put on medication at around age 16 (paxil) and I feel as though it warped the very essence of who I am. It infultrated my brain and f*cked everything up. Since paxil and countless other ssri's I've been battling with waking up everyday not knowing who I will be. On some days I can socialize normally and fluently, on others I just feel dull and without personality. It seems the only way that my personality would come back is if I stopped taking the meds for a couple days, I would feel some normalcy. But if I go off them completely I feel dull, boring and not myself. If I keep taking them I feel mentally stimulated but I just don't feel myself anymore. The stopping the dose has rejuvenated my personality but now my thoughts are just slowing down. I can't keep up with conversations anymore, I am intellectually intact but just slowed down so much I just can't keep up with real time conversations anymore. Anytime something is said it takes me longer to come up with a response then it should, this results in me not being able to add anything because the conversation will just change. It's just slow thoughts. I don't even want to get into memory, and other things.
I'm seriously tired of all of this and just want to reform back to my normal self. I've been told time and time again these meds won't do this to me.. then what else is it. When I'm on them I'm not depressed, but I still don't feel like myself. What else would I attribute this to. To say oh the drugs wont' do that to you is just completely ignorant because people have had violent reactions to taking freaking advil, people have strange reactions to many things so why is my reaction impossible. I never thought this drug would consume me and rip me apart. It turned my highschool years into a haze, it haulted any joy, and any productive activity I use to involve myself in. I can say without hesitiation that it cut my quality in life in half, it ruined my life. I feel like doing dangerous things to end this up and down misery but I know I wont. I can't express what I would give up, what I would sacrifice if I could just revert back to the way I was before meds. The psychiatrists are useless, they know these problems, my parents don't believe me.They say it's depression, but when I first went off the meds it was fine.. it was only till about a month after when I realized I wasn't really feeling myself..in which i became depressed again. I dream of getting a brain scan showing significant f*cked upedness from the drugs and making thousands of copies and plastering all over my moms and doctors walls. I know that won't happen, I don't know what has happened to me, I just don't feel like me anymore and I have tolerated about 4 years of feeling this way and I just don't think I can tolerate this anymore. Everyone has a breaking point and I think I am nearly crossing mine.
poster:mike lynch
thread:647653
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060520/msgs/647653.html