Posted by jealibeanz on May 16, 2006, at 11:21:08
Sorry, this is a long one... send me a bill!
OK, I have one more chance to get some help before my grad school is supposed to start a week from today. I still haven't signed a lease because I'm not sure if I'll go yet.
I don't know how to clearly explain the gravity of my situation and to get someone to take me seriously, not making their own weird assumptions.
OK, I have social anxiety. That is true. I believe I can show that with a survey that I filled out (Leibowitz I believe). I'm fairly comfortable with giving him that. I haven't found a good survey that I can fill out for general anxiety and depression. Some are too vague. I'm not even sure if I have ADHD. That complicates things. I think alot of my concentration problems are caused by anxiety and depression, but maybe ADHD also plays a part.
I would like a benzo (maybe not good if I have ADHD and am going to a medical school, however, maybe I'm not cut out for the field and should do something easy where I can just be mildy drugged and relaxed!). I realize that it is not a magical cure, but it does help to some extent. I'm too nervous around such large groups of people, especially such a competitive and professional group, to go to this new school without something to relax me! It's the truth. I want the opportunity to take this chance and at least give this school and profession a shot. A little medication can at least get me to drive to the school and sit down!
I'm not always terrrible socially anxious. I went to London last year for study abroad. I was outgoing, for me, and happy. I interviewed and toured for grad school. I was able to impress them. However, for the most part, I am socially anxious and introverted. Right now I am. I basically always have been. Does that fact mean I don't mean medication to help because it's a part of my personality? What are most docs view on this?
I am beginning to get depressed now. I don't want to do anything. I want to sleep most of the time! I don't want to work out, which is something I usually love love love to do! (I do it anyway still). I could care less about school right now. I have a paper due on Wednesday and a final tomorrow. I barely feel like going. (I will force myself to put in a half-*ss effort, just for the sake of not screwing myself over) If I don't, I won't graduate! I don't care about going to the ceremony, not that I don't want to, but I am somewhat numb right now. Talk about apathy! I am taking Straterra and Provigil right now. They are considered antidepressants. I can't imagine how I'd be without them.
So, what are docs stance on medication for depression? More likely if it's caused by outside factors, or biological factors? If I've failed on several drugs before, will most think I'm hopeless? Certainly the ones I've talked to so far have. I don't even feel like I've had fair trials anyway. Both Paxil and Buspar were stopped after 2 weeks for weight gain. Wellbutrin, may have stopped depression, not sure, but not anxiety, well, it's not supposed to. Effexor actually did help at first. I played doctor at first and significantly increased my dosage the first two weeks, I felt great. However, my doc didn't like that of course. We went back down to the normal dosage. Eventually, I became severly apathetic (too high?) and stopped. Plus, the weight gain would have led me to stop it anyway.
Many of my depressions start in the fall, I realize that's a little different than most depressions, but still, they're real. Sometimes they're caused by stress, sometimes nothing identifiable. Right now, in my life, I have a lot of stress from school. I have a lot of anxiety about trying to figure out my life. If I want to go more toward the route of outside factors (beside my own inflictions), my grandparents in town have been in a out of the hospital constantly over the past month. They are deteriorating severely mentally and physically. My great aunt has now been hospitalized for a broken hip. My other grandfather has cancer, which he refuses to treat, because he wants to be well enough to take care of my other ailing grandmother. So, if I want to give some outside causes, I can. I've never been terribly happy. Does this mean I am unchangeable through medication? I thought dysthymia is treatable. The last few docs I've talked to just think I'm doomed to be slightly unhappy, anxious, and uncomfortable.
So, I want to give evidence of dehabilitating anxiety and depression, worthy and attention and medication. As I've said before, I want a daily, not "as needed", benzo, at least for the short term. I refuse to take another SSRI. I'd like to consider EMSAM. I just read that MAOI's aren't likely to be effective if Effexor was already tried. I wouldn't say Effexor didn't help, but I didn't like all the side effects. Actually, it did pull me out of the deep depression I was in, just left my unemtional, along with other effetcs, so I stopped. I am still weary of weight gain and fear that it will not help, but I feel it's worth a try. Do you know if docs are afraid of trying this medication since it's an MAOI and not "first line treatment"? (I'm not new to this game though, have had several antidepressants and a few benzo trials. I suppose this qualifies me as treatment resistant.) I don't want any other MAOI's because of the weight issue.
I don't know if I should ask to continue the Straterra or not. I think it does help with concentration. I only have a few more tablets of Provigil left. I'm scared now! I have always been one to take multiple naps a day, and always groggy, no matter how well I sleep and how healthy I am. Isn't that a common feature of anxiety and depression? I can't imagine trying to get through a day productively without it. I've been this way since college.
I think I just will tell him that I was from a doc years ago for depression related fatigue. I can't inidcate that it's from my current doctor, since he could tell me to go back there and get refills if he does not approve of its use for me. I had saved a large supply and have been taking it for months. This is the first time in years I can remember feeling normal in terms of wakefullness throughout the day. This is all true, very true. I'm just afraid he doesn't approve of the drug and will say no. I'm not telling him about Lunesta. I can get more on my own. That issue just complicates things.
I realize that I'm asking for a lot at an initial appointment. I don't want to come off as too desperate and drug seeking. That probably shows signs of my so called "personality problem" than run of the mill anxiety and depression. However, I need to make him understand that he is my last hope to get myself a stepping stone to graduate school. I need to be aggressive enough to show him that. I don't know if I should let him know that I've seen my regular GP (although it's been ongoing for years now), a psychiatrist, and two new GP's all within the last month, and have not gotten what I want. That indicates some sort of problem with me and I realize that.
I'm afraid the benzo fatigue won't go away. Whenever I take my tiny Xanax .25mg, I want to sleep, and take an hour long nap. That's barely enough to put a dent in my anxiety too. I do feel that's it's slightly depressing, but the depression probably comes from the hopelessness that I'm sleeping my life away. I like to be productive. It may have to do with timing of the drug. I've taken it after very long intense workouts, where I'm likely to be tired anyway. Do docs usually shy away from augmenting benzos with Provigil?
I appologize for the incredibly long post. I'd truely appreciate any advice you can give!
poster:jealibeanz
thread:644711
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060515/msgs/644711.html