Posted by arnie666 on November 30, 2005, at 20:16:18
Hi I have lurked on this board for a while now and finally decided to post. I have suffered from a mental ilness for four years now and Iam finally turning the corner and I thought I would share my experiences and who knows maybe it will help someone.
I got ill at university as I started to think people believed I was ugly.ALthough I never heard voices perse I did think I could hear people commenting on how ugly I was.
Anyway I went home not right and went to see a doctor.I live in he uk by the way. I was then referred o a psychiatrist who said I had body dysmorphic disorder. He prescribed anitdepressants. They did not work and I became worse. I would not leave my house. As i just felt so ugly. I couldnot bear to see myself in the mirror.Myparents tookme back to the psychiatrist he prescibed an antipsychotic drug. I also went in as an vol inpatient at the priory for three weeks of intensive group therepy. It did nothing.
I left after two weeks after the doctor felt the hospital was making me worse....Still on the olanzapine i began to put on weight loads of it. the weight gain made me feel even worse about my appearance. So the pdoc increased the dose. upto 20mg.
It did not do me any good at all. apart from sleeping allday.I became even more depressed so he prescibed a different antidepressent.that didn't do anything either.
Depsite this I got a job and held it down for six months.A year had gone by now and if anything I was worse. I also lost myjob for punching out my boss.My parents were finding it difficult to cope because I needed constant reassurance over my anxiety. So I was put in supported accomodation.
I was in there nearly two years and put on another antipsychotic seroquel due to the weight gain. i had gone up from thirteen and a half srones up to eighteen.My psychiatrist also told me serveral times that he could see no improvement in my condition but i was not worse.my weight then stablelised at eighteen stones.i did not lose a pound.
I was always a very athletic person and seeing the change in me was heartbreaking.i was very depressed all this time due to this. i tried exercising but when you are doped up on drugs it just doesn't happen. In the end I was moved out of the supported accomodation as it had changed to dealing with more acute cases and i was not one of those. I was given a flat on the council. This started my recovery.
I was assigned a cpn who is really amazing.The reason i got like this was mainly due to something that happened a while back and she has been a great listener.I also signed up at college and decided to do some courses there. Despite how i felt about my weight and my appearance.
It was a two year course but unfortunately a medical problem sprung up due to the quetiapine in the last year. i do not want to reveal it as it is embarrasing.i got so distressed as it affected my apprearance that my psychiatrist took me off quetiapine which although not really helping was benign up until now and put me on abilify.i don't know what that drug is made of but it really did not agree with me....
I could not sleep at all and after a week it cultimated in me sitting in my flat with my head in my hands rocking as i could not stop moving.I decided enough was enough this had to end now. the drugs were not helping they had not got me better, maybe dulledmy feeling s a little but i had no job ,no friends ,no girlfriend. i decided to deal with this my way.
I knew though that coming off any drug was dangerous without help from my pdoc.so i went to see him and told him how i felt about everything. Inthe end he said he would try me off meds as 'he was tired of all this'. I wonder how he believed i felt...
He basicaly gave me a two week supply of benzo's and toldme to see my Gp each week for a month for a check. I did this. I went back to college and took my exams. I finished my exams and decided to sort out my weight. And get my body back, . because as i was so heavy I could hardly run but i got better. i started down the gym as well I gradually started to look better.The problem was i lacked an aim. I have always wanted to join the army. that became my motivation. My Cpn was an encouragement as she was ex army herself and said in some ways joining may help me ,odd I know.Partly due to my history.
I am now very very fit. I have been off meds now for eight months. My pdoc says if i remain well for another six months He will sign me off his books.
He also has said he does not believe it is schizophrenia(which he believed but did not tell me at the time) which is why he is fully supporting me in joining up. i think he just wants rid of a troublesome paitient ha ha that he cannot put in a box...he says he predicts i will remain well longeterm and iam very lucky.I may not get in the army ,
I may not stick the training (although my cpn thinks i will be okay ).But at least i can say i tried.And i think all the exercise has helped me tremendously.I run or weight train every day I don't care how i feel. i also box .If anyone is depressed fitness helps believe me. i even feel less ugly which coming from me is a milestone. My message is if you want something go for it. Whatever it is. Don't yet yourself or other peoples doubts stop you.
poster:arnie666
thread:583864
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20051126/msgs/583864.html