Posted by bigcat on November 28, 2005, at 16:16:17
It's arrived. Full remission- Effexor 75mgs, Lamictal 400mgs. But that's not important. What's important is my story.
Depressed since age 10, now 24. Have been trying antidepressants for 6 torturous years. Brief Nardil remission which I couldn't recover having tried virtually every single antidepressant on the market in the U.S. or abroad. 16 ECT treatments. Suicidal ideations. Alien to love and life. This is my 3rd Effexor trial, first response to the med.
The point of my story is to fight. Never stop fighting. Never ever stop fighting for the peace that you'll find. I fleed from encouragement like this for so long. It simply didn't apply to me, and I was convinced of this. Even positive messages seemed negative. Why can't I achieve remission? Why can other's find a way out and not me? It's not fair, I thought. I was suffocated. Bound and gagged, suffering torture that knew no end or limit. I thought I was written off. Born into life never to be alive. It's been too long, I thought, it would have happened by now. I'll never be free.
Peace. You have it inside you, it's waiting. YOU'RE WAITING FOR THE REAL YOU WILL BE REALIZED. You'll get there, trust me. Please have patience when patience is impossible. Please reach out to others who have had a taste of the suffering you know entirely too well.
Now I gotta give a couple shouts out to my bro Ed, a life saver as I'm sure you all know. Ace the Nardil fanatic (good stuff, eh?. Love you're energy, eccentricity, lust for life). My girl Phillipa, whose presence is warmly felt and appreciated by all who are a part of this close community. Chairman MAO, SLS, Declan, Tom Twighlight, Blueberry, MedEmpowered (long overdue superstar) and countless other compassionate veterans and newbies who are iron- willed, even in times of the most profound pain.
Listen to Sublime. Entrance yourself in Vincent's painting's. Love your dog above all else. These were my personal precursors. Find and hold what pierces through you're pain and feeds your soul with love. Believe in what compells you to keep pushing. Push for you're mother, push for your partner, push for all those hoping and hoping for you. Push for the you that you're missing. You are all so wonderful.
My God my self loathing was horrendous. My anxiety was crippling. My depression regularly confined me to my bed. I was essentially mute for months, not a single clairvoiant thought. Utterly isolated, estranged, entangled, reclusive; total aversion towards eveyrone and everything. Not even capable of crying, I was down so deep. I hurt other people and even as I realized this, I couldn't change it.
Please believe that emancipation is possible. You can't afford not to. Hope- ugotta have it.
I admire and love you all.
-matt-
poster:bigcat
thread:583052
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20051126/msgs/583052.html