Posted by bigcat on November 6, 2005, at 23:40:52
In reply to Re: Should I give Nardil more time??, posted by denise1966 on November 6, 2005, at 8:45:56
> Matt,
>
> Do you get much anxiety and stress with your depression or is it total apathy? I completely relate when you say each moment feels torturous. I was thinking that myself the other day.
>
> Also have you tried antipsychotics? What about Deep Brain Stimulation, or is that too drastic?
>
> I admire your persistance when you're obviously feeling really bad. But then I suppose there is nothing else for you too do.
>
>
>
> Denise
Denise,
I sometimes think my depression involves racing/obsessive thoughts of anxiety/ENDLESS WORRY/hopelessness/loathing and aversion to consciousness. Yes, apathy goes along for the ride too. Can't even read a book or sit still and do one activity for more than a couple minutes. I become mute, unable to think of anything to say, NO INTEREST IN ANYTHING, all consumed with SELF, obsessively introspective, very timid, and looking forward to my bed as (drug-induced) sleep brings semi-oblivion.I think many of my symptoms are add-related, as I can't focus, concentrate, fuse words or thoughts into sentences, express myself, communicate (which leads to social withdrawal, self-loathing, and cripplingly low self-esteem, along with horrrible boredom and a pressure, but inability to *do* anything). My mind is asleep (yet agitated simultaneously); I have no access to the useful parts of my brain which would allow me to become involved in an activity (rather than *dreading* and having an aversion to EVERYTHING), or allow me to connect with someone or something (a state of total exile).
My obsessive mind is wholly consumed and fatigued with LOUD, perpetually racing thoughts of negativity, "If Only...", despair, and a longing for life as I see other people live it. I become very petty, selfish, and judgemental as well. Having felt remission, I compare every waking moment and thought with how it would be if I was in remission. It's a feeling (or painfully real UNDERSTANDING OF THE REALITY) of my powerlessness; I'm the most ineffective "dud" of a person. As a child I was bright, exciteable, funny, athletic, excelled in school, was a leader, and had a total social ease and comfort. The Big D creeped in slowly, and I didn't even realize how much I loathed life until my first Nardil remission. Thanks for your concern Denise. Much Love Me Lady...
-matt-
poster:bigcat
thread:574235
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20051106/msgs/576237.html