Posted by iforgotmypassword on July 9, 2005, at 9:54:36
In reply to Re: i can't get myself to do anything. » iforgotmypassword, posted by ed_uk on July 8, 2005, at 13:51:22
i'm really sorry to have put you in such a vulnerable position denise, and thank you for everyting everyone said.
i know that i have a personality disorder. narcissistic and possibly borderline. dependant and passive agressive personality traits were also noted but i really feel i'm not lazy and useless like this to hurt anyone, or out of malicious spite, it really takes so much willpower to do anything but eat and be clingy like a small child. my cognitive ability is so horrible and i can't think about anything properly, i'm even having trouble with the windows on this screen. i really wonder if i have brain damage or something. i used to use drugs a lot. mostly just a lot of pot and mushrooms sometimes, but i was never careful who i bought from, and i heard wierd things about a lot of the stuff we used. but even then i reacted so much MUCH more severely to the drugs than anyone i was with. it was misery for everyone trying to cope with my presence. and when i was little i was always doing wierd obnoxious ridiculous things and i never kept or had any awareness of what was appropriate and even if i did i still did random malicious things. i could hardly ever function socially. i just rejected all authority and help and lashed out as if it were their fault. even with this i was considered a gifted child. and now look at me i can barely make functional sentences. i was diagnosed with ADD before and asperger's as well but i really don't know if that's really me. i definately have a lot of trouble caring for people. love in my life has been so much torture to me, but i've been so abusive towards everyone i've been with and i can't even tell that i'm doing it until someone is forced to shove it in my face in defense of the poor person i am abusing. i never stop thinking every day about my ex-girlfriend that i lost over three and a half years ago. i still cannot accept that i've lost her forever. i've fantasized about horrible things like killing her parents and even her! it's such a horrible nightmare. i don't know why i am or how i became this disgusting person. all my life ive tried to be someone i'm not and i can't ever tell who i really am and what my actual likes and dislikes are. my brain is like a huge glob of coagulated toxic sludge hardening into conrete. i can never say anything that i ever feel like i mean to say. every task i try to do i screw up and make a huge mess i can't understand. i tell myself i just want to die, but i'm so terrified of what will happen to me if i kill myself. and i always dream of being loved and cherished, always like my ex-girlfriend will one day come back to save me and i don't know how to stop. i'm paralysed as this horrible individual and even if i knew how to help myself escape this i couldn't know how to force myself to do it. i've proven to everyone how disgusting i am. i really really wish i were never born.
poster:iforgotmypassword
thread:524669
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050708/msgs/525398.html