Posted by linkadge on May 27, 2005, at 19:08:30
I've been off of all medications about a month + 1/2 now.
There have been some tremendous improvements but some things that are still scaring the heck out of me.
For starters, the nagging anxiety is still there. Day and night. Some days it is more tollerable than others.On the bad side is the bleak reality that I may just have a permanent movement disorder. I have difficulty walking in a straight line, my body feels like somebody is shaking it. My head gets twisted to the left and gets stuck there. The list goes on. I am trying *not* to be sensationalist when I say this all, but it is there.
Since discontinuing the SSRI the suicidiality has cut by a good 75+%!! Basically I was going around 24 hours a day and perhaps every 5 minautes saying I want to kill myself, I want to kill myself how is the fastest way I can kill myself?
In my oppinion, this was a manifestation of **extreme** akathesia. I guess this is something that doctors need to be aware of. Another thing that people are not aware of, is that this akathesia can get much worse over time. So yes, initially this drug helped my suicidiality, but over times it created a whole new reason that I wanted to die.
I went onto a page for AP induced movement disorders. Going down the list, I'm like.. got that one, got that one, check check.....
It's like when I get up to start walking, the way that I want to initiate walking is no longer the way my body wants to initiate it.
I have done all of this without my doctor's supervision. This is the way I see it.
I honestly think that I knew the best thing for me at the time. You can imagine if I had gone into the doctors office saying that I had wanted to kill myself every 10 minautes, my clomipramine would have been doubled to 200mg!!! then when things got totally out of hand I would have been given ECT or something. Sometimes you just have to listen to your intuition.How do you deal with anxiety without taking an SSRI or a AP or a tranqualizer????
Even if I had been initially treated with benzodiazapines, there would have been significantly less collateral dammage.
I'm young, but I'm not dumb. Its better that I suffer with excrutiating anxiety untill what I deem to be an appropriate treatment arrives, then to ruin myself now, and be unable to benefit from a good treatment when it comes along.
I have lost a lot of confidence, and again I know that is NOT the depression. On or off medications, depressed or not depressed, I have a lot of trouble doing the things I once did (ie to walk)
There is also the other problem and that is the fact that my memory is state dependant. In university, I learned everything on a SSRI. On the SSRI, I can remember it all, off the SSRI, it doesn't make any sence. Again, this has *Nothing* to do with the depression.It is all very complex, and the situation is a very sad one. It is extremely sad, because I will probably have to end up taking the drugs again, so that I can function normally again. Walking, thinking, moving etc. I cry a lot when I think about how I might have been a healthy young male.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you get one thing from this post, please understand this:
At this time in my life, Im not ruined because I am depressed, I am depressed because I am ruined.
This is NOT a manifestation of my depression. This is a fact.
LinakdgeThe funny thing is that a good cup of coffee slashes those suicidal feelings down even further.
poster:linkadge
thread:503865
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050527/msgs/503865.html