Posted by Nimrod on April 11, 2005, at 6:27:43
I'm going to apologize in advance if this turns out disjointed. I'm going to try to stay coherent.
I have no idea what my diagnosis is. I've seen three or four therapists and two psychiatrists and nobody has once been willing to give me a clue. That's very frustrating.
Confused. Extreme levels of anxiety. Short and long-term memory are both nonexistant. I have large gaps in my memory, almost like blackouts. I stutter and wring my hands.
I spent a week in a crisis house recently. Left against doctor's orders. While I was there I was still confused and anxious, with extreme levels of fear and almost no sleep added on. The guy acted like I was just being petulant. I wanted to leave after the second day, but stayed a week to give it every chance. After that week I was so sleep deprived I couldn't see straight. Other than that, I don't remember much.
He put me on an antipsychotic. Don't remember what it's called, starts with an "A". I've been on two others before, and none of them did anything. All I'm getting off of this one is headaches and nausea on top of everything else. Of course Mr. God Complex thinks it's a miracle cure and it's all my fault that I'm not getting any better. He won't even listen to my concerns about it, and says as much.
Now here's the kicker. I've been unemployed for months, staring homelessness in the face. Before this I was a senior accounts payable analyst for five years. I lost that job because of these problems.
I just got offered a dream job with the City. My work history was enough to get shortlisted for an interview, I went in under the influence of two and a half Xanax, and with government jobs they give you the script in advance - no surprise questions and you can prepare your answers well beforehand.
So now I have a job. Good pay, great benefits, and all sorts of opportunity. I should be feeling great. I've got more now than I have any right to have.
Right now I'm looking at leaving the house and I'm seriously considering taking the rest of the xanax bottle. I can't drive anymore, I've been in two accidents (thankfully minor) and one near-miss that would have killed someone. I'm taking the vanpool which means being trapped in a vehicle with 10 other noisy people and fighting the urge to open the door and jump out on the highway.
There's so much responsibility in this job. So much to remember. So much management of time. I can't remember my boss' name. I'm supposed to check the voicemail and I can't remember how to do it. The deputy city clerk is going on vacation in three weeks and they want ME to take over for a month while she's gone. I'm lucky if I can remember how to find the f*cking city hall and they want me to take over for the deputy city clerk.
I don't know who I thought I was kidding. If I lose the job, my partner and I lose our home. It's as simple as that. You don't have enough money to throw away, you get punished.
I really don't know what to do. Heap Big Snake Oil Medicine Man just wants to lock me up and keep me on nasty drugs that don't do anything good. I'm afraid to go see him again, I don't know what he's going to do to me if I tell him all this.
My fondest wish is to be somewhere where nobody can ever look at me. Where I don't have to be humiliated everytime I try to talk to someone. Where I'm not expected to remember anything. I just want to disappear.
F*ck.
poster:Nimrod
thread:482674
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050408/msgs/482674.html