Posted by Maxime on March 29, 2005, at 19:19:18
In reply to Re: My doctor can't help me » Maxime, posted by Racer on March 29, 2005, at 15:40:33
I know you mean well Racer, and I am sorry when I get frustrated with people who are only trying to help. It makes me feel worse about myself then I add on more guilt and loath myself even more.
I know more about eating disorders and depression than anyone without a med degree should know. I was blessed and cursed with a photographic memory and an IQ of 182. When I was teaching at a university I could spot plagiarism and be able to write in the name of the book and which page it was taken from without looking it up. So believe me, I have READ a lot of med journals etc. and I know the names of the researchers and their studies.
However, another thing to consider is which came first? For me it was the depression as a child which later turned out to be bipolar illness. The eating disorder came later. This indicates that my depression is biochemical and not brought on by the ED. Although I fully know that if you starve yourself you are starving your brain. A starved brain is a depressed brain.
My 182 IQ brain knows all this. My anorexic brain does not. The two do not seem to talk much to each other because the anorexic brain thinks that the other part of the brain is lying to it and fooling it to tell my "hunger center" to eat something. It's like having the little cartoon devil and angel on each side.
My doctor is not deficient when it comes to treating mood disoders. He has been a psychiatrist for over 40 years. He knows all the meds and different ways to use them and is not afraid to try something that might be considered contraindicated. In January I couldn't pay for my Trileptal and Adderall because I was broke. I went through withdrawal and he phone the pharmacy and told them to charge the meds to his VISA. He wouldn't let me pay him back. When it comes to eating disorders he doesn't know jack sh*t in my opinion but then again many pdocs don't.
All available medications have been exhausted. I have no need to be on anything like inderal which would have me passing out all the time because my BP is 80/60. That is my normal BP.
Right now I eat 500 calories a day. I don't deprive myself completly of food. I'm also petite so I don't require as many calories. I'm maintaining my weight at 500 calories. I am in the high normal weight range for my height. It's disgusting.
Support groups trigger me. I want to be the thinnest. They are not healthy for me.What I need more than anything is a psychologist who specialises in EDs. But I have no money. So I have been on a waiting list for 14 months now to see one on a sliding fee scale. 14 months.
I am proud to be Canadian and proud of my country. I do not agree with all the politics, especially in Quebec. But that is a discussion for another board.
I guess that's it.
Maxime
poster:Maxime
thread:477221
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050326/msgs/477390.html