Posted by oneamradio on March 20, 2005, at 21:06:09
Hello, everyone.
Well, on Friday, March 11, 2005, I went to see my psychiatrist who(m?) I had been seeing regularly since May '03. Ever since I showed concern in regards to taking Risperdal, which he perscribed me to augment the Effexor XR I was on, I believe, he'd been a complete (for lack of a better word) *ss. Like I always do, I read up on the drug and its side effects before actually taking it, which I believed and still believe to be an act of responsibility of behalf of my own well-being. When I told him why I didn't feel comfortable taking Risperdal (increased risk of diabetes, possible tardive dyskinea, etc.), he just shook his head at me the entire time. To be quite honest, it made me feel like sh*t. I don't understand how that's an appropriate or acceptable response to a patient. I wasn't rude about it--not in the least. I was just giving him feedback as to why I felt concerned, which I thought was more than legitimate at the time and even in retrospect. Anyway, instead of adding Risperdal to my Effexor, he added Wellbutrin. I agreed to give it a shot, and I did.
Just for background history, I had been on 450 mg of Effexor XR/day for over a year, and it didn't seem to be doing the trick. To my knowledge, that is a rather large dose, and I found it worrysome that such a high dose wasn't showing results for me, even after a year, so I wanted to try new things. I did try Wellbutrin in combination with my Effexor (300 mg), though I'm not sure how much Wellbutrin I was on at the time. Those were probably the worst two weeks of my life. I had 3 severe breakdowns during each week of those two weeks, making that a total of 6. They were probably the worst I've experienced, at least as of recent (I've had pretty bad depression since the age of late 13; I am now early 20).
After that, he weened me off of Effexor slowly and put me on Lamictal + Cymbalta. I eventually (and rather quickly) got up to a dose of 200 mg for Lamictal in combo with 90 mg of Cymbalta (per day). Again, things just seemed like always, like when I was on the Effexor. I'm fine most of the time, but when I feel bad, I feel so bad, I can't even think rationally for the life of me. I updated him on how I was doing, naturally, and we both agreed that I didn't seem to be where I ought to be.
I tried literally everything I could think of--changing diets, exercising (I even went to yoga for a while), therapy (though he doesn't think I tried it long enough--I really felt uncomfortable talking to a stranger who essentially told me what I already knew about myself, treated me like a grade schooler, etc--The money adds up), self-help books, support forums (like these), going to the Counseling & Psychological Services Center at my university, talking to friends--you name it. And yet, he sat there, basically telling me that I wasn't willing to help myself or let anyone else help me--He was mad at me for quitting therapy. I'm sorry, but as a college kid, money doesn't fall out of trees. I don't know. He was so out of line that way. I'm a very reasonable and level-headed person most of the time, and I know my reactions were more than normal. It actually came down to me asking him if he treats all his patients that way. He responded, "Let's not go there." I said, very calmly, "Well, I just did." And he said that most of his patients are willing to work with him. I said, "That's ridiculous." He asked, "Is it?" and I said, "Yes, and I'm insulted that you would say something like that." I told him that I thought I should start seeing someone else, and he very blatantly said, "I think that would be best." Then he proceeded to write me off another perscription for a month's worth while I, "find a new psychiatrist." I was so upset, I just told him that I didn't even want it. I looked him right in the eyes, and he couldn't even look back. He just crumbled it up and threw it away. I wanted to ask him, "How can you sleep at night?" but by that time, we were in front of the secretary, who I like, and I didn't want to make a scene because I'm just not like that.
I just... It makes my blood boil even thinking about how he handled the situation. I cried all the way home. So, I've basically quit, cold turkey, and been off meds since that Friday. I suffered from pretty awful nausea and quite a bit of diarrhea, too (sorry, I know that's probably too much info). I also feel kind of queasy if I'm standing up or doing something for too long. I'm just wondering if anyone knows how much longer I can anticipating this lasting. And what I can do. I've been hesistant to post or look elsewhere because I don't want to read about any other side effects from the withdrawals I might be having and somehow ending up worrying about those.
Sorry for the extremely long post. I guess this is just my way of dealing with the situation. I'm trying my best. And to be honest, something that could make me feel this terrible after quitting is not something I really want in my body in the first place. I've never enjoyed the thought of meds, but I've always been willing to give them a shot if they might help. I don't know what my problem is, but I seem to be practically immune to these things, that is, until I'm off. As far as emotionally, I haven't noticed anything too different except that I'm very emotionally strucken by things like commericals, movie trailers, and lyrics, moreso than usual. And I truly don't think it's me just making myself feel this way; If I didn't want to help myself and get through this, I would've never put so much effort into everything. If that's really true, then all of my efforts have been completely in vain, and I couldn't live with myself if that were the case.
Okay, I'm gonna cut it there before I never stop. Thanks for listening.
poster:oneamradio
thread:473366
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050317/msgs/473366.html