Posted by pretty_paints on March 13, 2005, at 4:41:09
In reply to Re: One-off psychotic episode??, posted by Phillipa on March 12, 2005, at 16:40:48
Hi Phillipa and everyone else,
How are you doing Phillipa?
Things are just a bit weird. My social worker and some other people were concerned so they called the Crisis Team to come round. They just came to the house, sat there and fired questions at me. Now today they are taking me out for coffee. I know everyone is being nice to me and I should be grateful, but I just feel pissed off.
I'm pissed off that I have no real diagnosis (I know Ed says "psychotic NOS" is a diagnosis in itself, but it doesn't feel like that to me). I wanna know: is it psychotic depression, is it schizophrenia, is it a one-off episode, it is something else I've never even heard of? I'm so mad that no-one can tell me and give me the answers (I know I know that there are no ANSWERS). And I'm so MAD that people think I should be okay with NOT KNOWING. Like, "yeh I've been sat in my room for a YEAR and no-one can tell me why, no no that's fiiine". People say "it's too early to make a diagnosis", "you're too young to get a diagnosis". Well at least give me an idea about some of the options!
Anyway, I just can't be *rsed with any of it now. I've done the Crisis Team thing and the hospital thing and nothing came out of it, so I don't really see the point doing it all again. Or telling anyone about things I see or experience. I mean, I've been religiously trying to recount everything I experience to my social worker Helen and then she passes it all on to the doc. But what comes of it? Nothing. She just gives me an antipsychotic. Well I could do that! Just give myself a drug! I don't see the point anymore in telling Helen or the doc anything. Or my family. They are not coping as it is. My dad keeps crying and being upset that I am not well. So I can't talk to them about things I experience coz I don't want them to hurt more than they already do. And they have this stupid big folder down at the centre, and they write everything in it that I say/do etc. But what's the point???????
And the bloody Crisis Team. There are about 15 of them overall, and a different pair of people come each time. So it's this huge stupid thing to PROVE to these people that I'm ill. Why should I? I tell everyone about everything, but nothing ever comes out of it.
I guess somewhere at the back of my mind, I hoped that when I went into hospital, something would come out of it. I would be diagnosed with something specific, they would tell me how it had affected my life so far, and how it would affect me in the future. Give me a prognosis. Something to work with. Tell me what's real and what's not. But nooooo. I just get the Crisis Team. And then as soon as I'm off Death Row, they dump you, and you're left to your own devices. I try a load of drugs, stupid drugs. They're supposed to help. But how am I supposed to know if they're helping or not? How do I work out what's real and what's not? How am I supposed to feel if they DO work? How can I tell if they're NOT working? It's all such a nightmare. And then maybe I get a bit better. And there we go. But I never actually get BETTER so I can move on with my life. Grrrrrrrrrr
I'm sorry. I'm just so pissed. Sorry if I've ranted or offended anyone.
They've set up for me to do this Monday, Wednesday, Friday group. It's like an outpatient thing. You go to hospital to meet, it's 10am-2pm, and then you do something that day, different things. Go to somewhere fun or a museum or a walk, then come back and have lunch (all provided free I think - well the lunch is anyway). I know I should be really grateful, I am having a lot of support and I know there are people on this board who haven't got much support. So I'm sorry if you think I'm being pig-headed and a bit spoilt.
I'm quite looking forward to it coz at least it's something to DO. Plus I can meet some other ill people. Ha ha, seems weird. But you know what I mean! And thursdays I see my therapist, so that's nearly a full week.
But do u know what I mean with telling people things? Do you ever think, I've told everyone everything I'm thinking/have thought in the past...but nothing actually comes of it? I'm tempted to be stupid and stop taking the AP medication or going to the doc. Coz it blatently isn't working and the doctor's not gonna diagnose me with anything till I'm like 57,000 years old. So what's the point.
Anyway, I hope I didn't bore anyone with this long post. Thanks for your support guys. Keep me posted on how you are all doing.
ps: Phillipa, where is Ed? He hasn't posted in a while..? Hmm. Hope he's okay.
poster:pretty_paints
thread:470060
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050312/msgs/470338.html