Posted by AMD on March 12, 2005, at 0:35:44
The subject line is in jest, but the problem is serious.
After a depressive episode following a February 27th coke binge, and after finally feeling better, I went out Wednesday night and did it again: drank a lot, did a lot of cocaine, and got myself into some (non-legal) trouble.
Here I sit, typing this message, hoping someone can come to the rescue with some words of encouragement, words to allay my fears that two binges in two weeks, each lasting a few hours, and followed by a devestating depression (guilt, worrying about health, about losing my job, etc.), wouldn't have been enough to make this depression permanent, to cause permanent brain damage, to throw away almost two years' worth of abstinence, to ruin my ability to feel pleasure at all.
So I languish here, in bed, in the middle an otherwise unfurnished bedroom I rented only three weeks ago, on the other side of the country from my family, feeling completely and helplessly out of control, but knowing, at least, I have /some/ control in that I recognize these slips as a problem.
So ... did I do it this time? Did I "screw up" that last time to break the camel's back? Will I /ever/ be happy, move above this?
Is there a drug I can take to help me feel better sooner?
Are my cognitive abilities, my executive-lobe functioning irreversibly damaged after two nights of cocaine and binge drinking to the point of blackout?
Am I going to get nose bleeds now? I've never had one, but suddenly I have an uncanny fear I'll spontaneously begin getting them ... oh my god!
Help! I feel horrible and afraid.
amd
poster:AMD
thread:469924
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050308/msgs/469924.html