Posted by Maxime on March 7, 2005, at 14:09:40
In reply to Re: Augmentation ideas... » Maxime, posted by FredPotter on March 6, 2005, at 22:20:53
Yes, I know don't sound hopeless. I know I do not sound or look depressed according to many. But I don't show people the real me. If I did they would run in the other direction.
I have a voice that tells me I am worthless. That I do not deserve help or food. That I am a burden to my family. That I take up too much space. I feel hopeless all the time because so many doctors have said they can help me, but nothing has helped. I have been through therapy. I do self-help books. I try when I can. Sometimes I can't try and just getting up in the morning is all I can manage. I have attemted suicide several times and was so close to being successful in my last attempt (actually my heart stopped so I guess I did succeed for a minute or so). I have a death wish. I am tired now and I think I have done my best to try and get better and that if I should decide to leave this world that it would not be selfish at all. If people knew the pain I was in. The pressure in my brain when hypomania hits.
I am glad you are feeling better right now.
I think therapy is important. I believe that medication is a tool to help clear the fog enough so that we can be receptive to therapy. Right now I would not do well in therapy because although I can write, my speech is pressured. I have trouble finishing a sentence. I have no emotion in my face. Group therapy can be helpful as well. Because sometimes people in the group will challenge your beliefs etc. I need cognitive behavioural approaches to therapy because I need to train my mind to view "me" differently. I see myself as a fat, ugly, worthless and vile person. So in my case therapy can help. But I can't afford it and right now I am not able to do it.
I'm sorry for the long ramble. Did I even answer your question?
Maxime
> Maxime you don't *sound* hopeless and worthless. I have a "voice" that tells me these things when I go depressed. Not really a voice you understand. It comes from the left hand side of my head. Also that Life is empty and meaningless. That is both frightening and depressing. I can't analyse it. It's a feeling. Sometimes I feel like my blood's full of poison and that I ache (oky koky style "whole self in" hurrah).
>
> I've been feeling together for a few weeks now. Like a jigsaw that's been put back together. And the really encouraging part for me and for everyone of us, is that this feels right. The other state felt wrong then and feels wrong now. This happy state felt the right one then and it does now. See what I mean by my IQ being that of the average piece of washing.
>
> Maxime, what's your view of therapy? Mine's pretty poor. I saw a Human Givens Therapist once in York, UK. They say that if we're depressed it's because we're short on one or more of things like security, connection with the wider community, intimacy, sense of purpose. My view is even if it's true, particularly since the breakup of extended families, we need some physical or pharmaceutical help in order to get them back.
>
> Please keep us in touch
>
> Lots of love
> Fred
poster:Maxime
thread:465987
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050304/msgs/467825.html