Posted by Spriggy on February 25, 2005, at 18:57:25
In reply to Re: is this anxiety? what the heck... » calamityjane, posted by Phillipa on February 25, 2005, at 18:17:03
Well, I live in what one would call a "constant" state of stressors.
I have a severely autistic 9 year old son- I bathe him, change his diapers, feed him, etc.. I love my son from the depths of my very being and would gladly take a bullet for him in a heartbeat, but there are days it is very hard for me. It's hard to watch him struggle so much just to make a 3 word sentence. It's getting more difficult for me physically because he is growing so fast and I'm a petite woman. I fear how I will be able to bathe and change him once he's outgrown me (which will be soon the way he eats!).
My father (who is in Alabama.. 2,000 miles from me) has also recently been given 3-6 months left to live and is receiving Hospice care. He is dying a very slow, painful death and I imagine some of what I'm dealing with is "grief." I can't be there with him to be a part of the process of saying "goodbye" like I would like to be. That is hard for me.
My husband is a pastor and there are always the stressors (along with many blessings) of being a wife of a pastor. I'm not complaining, I know this is without a doubt God's purpose on this earth for me (being a pastor's wife) but there is a lot of stress that comes a long with this ministry.
So yes, I would say there are things that would be causing stress. But I have so many blessings as well.I have a husband that would capture the moon for me if I asked him to. I have another beautiful 5 year old son that lights up my life.
I can't figure out why I can't get out of this "funk." In many ways, I feel a failure in my faith. I say I trust God in all things, and yet I am finding myself wondering why He won't deliver me from this pain.
I'm not being a great wife and mom right now. I am doing my best but some days lately, just taking a shower and putting my socks on the right foot is all I can accomplish.
This is hard for me. Prior to this, I juggled all things pretty well in life. I ran 3-4 miles a day, was up and ready for the day to begin, would spend much time in prayer and with God, enjoying cooking, cleaning, caring for my family.
Right now all that is gone.
All that is left is this empty feeling that life is without meaning (which I know is a lie). The medication did nothing but make things 1000 times worse so attempting another antidepressent terrifies me.
I don't know if this is just anxiety or just depression or both. I'm new to all this and I sure hate it.
I just really want to be myself again. I miss me.
And I can't even believe I just bore my soul to Lord knows who..
See what I mean??
Just not normal.
poster:Spriggy
thread:463325
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050222/msgs/463393.html