Posted by banga on December 19, 2004, at 15:12:43
In reply to Re: Opioids, posted by ed_uk on December 19, 2004, at 4:56:32
I do understand so well living with suicidal ideation. And people mistaking your mentioning it as a way to manipulate, threaten etc. In fact, I once told a counselor in alcohol treament that suicidal thoughts were returning, she yelled "then go ahead and do it!!!" you can imagine how helpful that was.
In any case, it is a difficult tight rope to walk with dotors. They probably can't imagine what it is like to live with spontaneous, vivid suicidal thoughts--for me diving off the highway, stabbing myself, impaling a screwdriver in my heart. It is so odd if you think about it. But now it is part of everyday life.
My thoughts: maybe think of how to talk honestly about this with your doc. I mean, not that you were being dishonest....but open up a discussion to a new level, confront him about what his reaction (or lack thereof) means to you. My imagination, if I were in your shoes (and PLEASE remember I am totally projecting my thoughts on you , I certainly dont claim to feel exactly as you do), I might say 'look, I feel like you arent really in tune with what I mean when I say I feel suicidal. I am not meaning to threaten or send off alarm bells, but you have to realize that this is a dangerous agony I go through every day, and though I won't act on it today necessarily, the impulsive feel to these thoughts is dangerous and I sense it could suddenly change into an action. And my life is that much more the hell because these thoughts wont leave me. I need you to hear me how unbearable it is, how tortured I feel and I need help here.'
Well something like that. In ay case the point is to take this conversation to a new place. YOu need to have him hear the agony you are going through. And if he can't find someone who can, who will support you and help you monitor yourself regarding these devastating feelings.
In the meantime, hang in there. Are you in some kind of therapy or support? It's not a magic bullet, but feeling alone ---and leaving you alone with your morbid agonizing thoughts--makes things that much worse.
I hope that your med plan will go in a direction that is more helpful. It can be amazing how, once you find the med that helps, this little pill alters your experience so profoundly. I know it is hard, but try and hold on to the thought that things can get better, you will find your way.
But most of all, don't go it alone.
poster:banga
thread:431506
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20041217/msgs/431718.html