Posted by Ritch on November 15, 2004, at 11:08:38
In reply to Re: question for rich, posted by cybercafe on November 15, 2004, at 9:55:04
> > > In my first and second years of university I was probably hypomanic. It was all just a big game to me, with no consequences. I did great. I got very high marks etc.
> > >
> > > Anyhow, soon later I crashed so low it was unbelievable. The game changed and now it was about fear and anxiety.
> > >
> > > I'm just on lithium now but am having a real hard time regaining that sence of confidence.
> > >
> > > I have found that, I do best in something when my brain has determined it is unimportant. As soon as something is important, I will inevitably fail.
> > > Thats why I do so well in hypomania, because I have no fear of the consequences.
> > >
> > >
> > > Linkadge
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> > >
> > >
> > >
> >
> > There was something else I thought about after my posting... Whenever I am in a euphoric mania without anxiety I'm goal directed. Anxiety seems to evaporate when you are pursuing something with avid enthusiasm and the mania keeps that fueled up, so you are confident. When I get depressed the world crashes inward on me and I feel attacked and defensive-no goals worthy of pursuing, unable to 'fight'-that's when the doom and anxiety ratchet way up. The lack of interest (lack of dopamine?) takes all the energy out of goal-directed behavior of *any* kind and you just veg out and have negative ruminations. The big trick is to get interests fired up over *ordinary everyday* goals and maintain some steady stability and pull to accomplish them. That's where the 'deficit syndrome' and the ADD elements of bipolar are the most devastating (in depression esp).
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> i've thought a lot about what you said (in first message and followup) and it seems very much to be true -- in my case at least -- i certainly have the same experience with ADD but don't know to what degree i want to want to be motivated by ordinary everyday goals. i probably just have some limiting beliefs that i can only be motivated to exceptional things by pain and not pleasureI don't think that I ever have *chosen* to be motivated by everyday things... it just happens. Whenever I have a phase where I am in a "clear spot" (euthymic and motivated-not "high"), that's when I embark on everyday projects that everyday folks do all the time (just putting up a set of bookshelves, ie.). I can plan out what I want.. figure out where to get it ... how to execute it .. and hopefully finish it up. As long as the *span* of time involved isn't too lengthy (before my mood changes)- I can make it happen and am very happy with the results. But, then I cycle into depression and any unfinished plans and projects are abandoned and many are unfortunately half-baked remnants that are nearly completely forgetable and am unable to follow through because the whole process flow was interrupted. It is kind of like waking up in another city and having to start my life over again every few months. ADD meds do help a lot, but it is a real hassle to have one medication help one set of symptoms and then wreak havoc on another set. I feel like I have got an "attentional syndrome" where I have OCD "stickiness" and inability to make decisions which some ADD meds make worse, and then I've got the basic inattentiveness that OCD meds make worse!
poster:Ritch
thread:411222
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20041113/msgs/416200.html