Posted by Nagash on October 7, 2004, at 12:42:44
Hi,
to put a long story short, I don't feel too well. I don't know where it all started as I don't have good recollections of my childhood. However, after my parents divorced I began to have trouble at school. I was ~13 at the time, my grades dropped significantly, I was misbehaving, some teachers detested me, I wasn't very popular (had some friends but people often made fun of me). A teenage first love complicated things even more, I remember that there was a time where I could hardly get up from bed. Performed poorly in sports, my self-esteem was nil, you get the idea.
I received no help from parents (didn't want them in my life in fact), from school or friends (we were too young), so I had to recover myself, but scars remain.
I have a history of drug use. This has been evaluated by a psychologist and no dependence was found, but I do use drugs and don't feel like quitting, because GHB and speed do make my life enjoyable, to some degree.
I've been able to pass high school with good results and start university, so my intelligence isn't much impaired. Still, I feel no pride for the fact that I scored 18th among over 1000 candidates to the University. I can't get any joy from anything.
I have a persisent feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I can cope with it, but world doesn't seem like a nice place.
I have a tendency to engage into toxic relationships, with girls equally liable emotionally or abusive/deceptive ones. For the past 1,5 years even tho I'm young and rather attractive, I have dated nobody.
After periods of severe depression (5 years ago) and anxiety problems (due to a relationship with a possible BPD and difficult exams that, in my parents' opinion, I couldn't fail), now my life is void. I feel numb. Hardly any sexual drive, even on GHB, which has begun troubling me. I have dozens of famale friends, but don't feel attracted to any, and even if I do, I feel that flirting is pointless, because I don't want any closeness, too troublesome.
Yet the emptiness and loneliness remains, the Weltschmerz, the feeling that the whole world is a chain of chemical reactions, all adhere to the 2nd rule of thermodynamics, without any sense or reason.
There were times where I would feel joyful and in awe, be it on LSD, MDMA or even sober. But these were rare events in a dull life.
I've become indifferent and detached. I can go out with my friends, but often feel like it doesn't make any sense, like I'm not there, acting. Most of the time I get out of bed because I force myself to, not because I want to. Everything is an effort. My room is always a mess, my car's a mess. I hate challenges. I oversleep whenever I can. Despite being lethargic, I am anxious at times.
I tried seeking professional help. One psychiatrist would not listen to me, even deny what I'm saying and just put me on drugs. The other one, despite being a wise and charming woman, doesn't seem to help much as she wouldn't come up with any diagnosis other than "depressive temper, triggered by unhappy events, pessimistic approach and hypersensitivity". All the psychologists/therapists see, OTOH, is polydrug abuse and all they say is trying to force me to quit drugs. Like there was any fucking difference between chemicals from the pharmacy and illicit ones.
So at first I was on fluoxetine, 20mg/day. Jitteriness was apparent, mood improvement was nil, so I quit. Then there was venlafaxine (Efectin/Effexor) at 112.5mg/day. Mood improvement was slight, but I developed a rash and hat to quit abruptly. Withdrawals convinced me that I don't want to fuck with this drug ever again. Moclobemide had some improvement on my motivation, but the jitteriness was unbearable, and I was close to a psychosis, partially due to sleep deprivation. Mianserin (Lerivon/Bolvidon) was quite successful at combating my anxiety and insomnia, but left me even more lethargic and indifferent. Melatonin nor 5-HTP didn't improve my sleep. Sulpiride (100mg/day) also left me too lethargic to continue the treatment.
So I take speed to get things done and feel alive. Then I have to take clonazepam for my insomnia, or GHB to take the edge off life (I'd probably be alcoholic otherwise). But this can't go on forever, I want a god damn diagnosis and a medication. I suspect that my problem is dopamine-related, as I also suffer from Restless Legs Syndrome, which, especially on sulpiride or GHB (which can be dopamine antagonists), can become unbearable. Unfortunately, there are no dopamine meds approved for mood disorders in my country, so I have to search on my own.
Other than whilst being kinda fucked up on GHB or speed, the best I've felt was after introspective LSD trips, as hopeless as it sounds.
Is there anything I can do to improve my life? Anything that I could read that would shed some light on my condition? Any meds? I don't have mych faith in psychologists anymore.
Of course, I can go on as long as I have access to GHB, but otherwise, my pillow is wet every other night, my head is full of suicidal ideations, wishes for never being born.This sucks. I don't feel that I'm worthless enough to feel like shit, I think I deserve a decent, joyful life, and I am doing all I can to get one.
If I fail, I might very well take my life from me. Other than hopes for a better tommorow, there is nothing I want to live for. Not my family, not my passions, nothing.If there are any errors or something doesn't make sense, please excuse me, I don't speak English natively.
poster:Nagash
thread:399975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20041007/msgs/399975.html