Posted by h on September 17, 2004, at 16:20:27
When I started lex in June (10 grams) it was like a shiny new toy, a new door opening. I loved going to sleep every night for the vivid dreams. I loved lying awake planning outfits instead of being upset. Success followed success. I took driving lessons. (I'd planned to do that anyway but it was easier after starting lex.) I stopped being angry at everyone on the subway. I was able to stop thinking ahead all the time.
Then a couple of things happened. Stupid things. My boss who is a nice guy, but who is afraid for his own job started taking a really insulting attitude with me. I think it was because he was being defensive and it came out mean. Then a friend, who I like, but who has always been rather judgemental seemed to start avoiding me. I don't think she likes our kids to play together because my boy is a little wild, and can be annoying. But he's just a kid and her little girl loves him.
I feel like I have to work too hard at my friendships and its so lonely. I realize now I must have always had some kind of social anxiety issues in addition to my dysthymia and general anxiety. I just didn't see it. It's all so hard, I feel like I'm seeing things a little more clearly and I hate it.
I had cancer three times before I was forty so I probably have less tolerance. I'm like a little kid who thinks somebody owes me the candy store. I love my husband but he sometimes isn't the most understanding guy. A good guy but not understanding.
Do I need more meds? I honestly don't want to take any more. I don't want to go back to talk therapy. Did that for 20 years. I'm just so tired.
I want a friend that doesn't judge me, who just likes me best.
I want a friend for my kid that I don't have to juggle all kinds of craziness to make a playdate with.
I want not to have to have my six month cancer check up tests in two weeks.
Do I need more Lexapro? Would it help? Or is it just my life?
I'm taking fish oil and folic acid to help maximize effect of lex.
Any ideas, thoughts, cyberhugs gratefully accepted.
poster:h
thread:392059
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040915/msgs/392059.html