Posted by 4mygrls on July 29, 2004, at 12:57:26
I'll start out by saying that i am severely depressed. I feel no hope for my future. I can't be a functioning mom or wife.I go through cycles. Like i have posted before we thought it was pmdd but i noticed that this starts like a week before my period and goes for a couple of weeks. This cycle seems to be longer though. I am now angry. angry at the world. i change my mind and thinking every 5 minutes and i'm mean to my husband. he really does say all the wrong things though. I have no memory and it sucks.I'm tired and ready to quit the meds. I feel sometimes like i don't give a shit if i'm rude to someone. the other things are i feel very reckless and really don't care what happens to me. then i turn around and want to be nice. but how can i be nice to my husband when in two minutes i'll be bitchy again. i'm really trying to keep my head above water here. what is going on. my pdoc says i don't have mania but aren't those mania symptoms. when i was a teenager i use to get so angry that i would throw things and break things. i once threw something through a window. but now i don't do that cuz i know i'll have to pay for it. i've tried lamictal and it made me so emotional and have more frequent mood swings. i've tried topomax,trileptal and now am on lithium. i actually think i'm worst on mood stabilizers. my pdoc doesn't want to put me on a anti-psychotic cuz he says i'm not psychotic. i'll tell you what though, right now i feel psychotic. maybe it's not the dsm version of it but i do not feel normal. i want to drive off a cliff. but i don't have the gutts to do it. i just try to sleep away the days when i'm like this. my other problem is my future. how can i have hope for a future when i go through this monthly. i can't go to college for anything cuz this will interfere. i can't get a job cuz i can't tell my boss"i'm sorry boss but i'm fealing a wee bit psychotic right now and can't come to work." My brother once said when i was a teenager and in court trying to get released from juvi to just lock her up and throw away the key. i was there for unmanageability. This behavior goes way back. I was given up for adoption and i'm beginning to think it's cuz my birth mother and two sisters were sick and she couldn't handle another sick kid.
poster:4mygrls
thread:372052
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040724/msgs/372052.html