Posted by Daniel Woodfield on July 29, 2004, at 9:49:13
OK, so im going to try my best to explain this in order for you kind people to make some kind of suggestions.
I hope i fit everything in, there is so much i always leave something out. Please be patient, and all comments are more than welcome.
So, im ill. I have been ill for as long as i can remember. Obsessive as a kid, had a good patch between the age of 11-15, made a silly mistake in a sexual situation when i was 15 (lost my virginity when i didn't want to, with someone i didn't want to), and have been ill ever since.
To cope with my self loathing and guilt after said incident i smoked marijuana chronically for the next three years whilst procrastinating over whther i had caught an STD or not. Most of the time telling myself that i deserved to, so i probably would have. These three years were dark, and i destroyed my personality, health and largely my soul. (Of course when i finally had a test at 18, everything was hunky dorey, and while at the time i assumed my life would fit back together, the damage had already been done.)
So i quit marijuana, feeling i didn't need to feel sorry for myself anymore, and started to get bad panic attacks. (Well none of them are easy hey!!!). I didn't know how to live in the real world anymore, i had lost all my vigour, confidence, infact most of what i had learned about myself and life up until THE incident. Life scared me, i couldn't handle it, so i went to the doctors.
PAXIL (Seroxat here in the UK), according to my doctor was going to be the thing to save my life. It was a gaurantee, no arguing, it WOULD work, so who nam i to question???So i started the Paxil and went off to University to start my first year.
Three months later i woke up in bed at uni, and surveyed the situation. My Room was an absolute tip, i smelt really disgusting, had no friends and my room mate had moved out and into someone elses smaller room where he had to sleep on the floor. On top of that i was having electric shock type sensations everytime i moved, i ached all over and hadn't been to ONE lecture since starting at uni. I had woken up from a stupor having not taken a paxil tablet for three days, and was starting to realise the unwelcoming, mess of a zombie i had turned into, the effect i was having on others and the effect the drug was having on me. I noticed an envelope by the door of my room, opened it to find that i had been kicked out of uni for not going to lessons, and generally being a waste of their time and space. SOMETHING WAS WRONG.
So, i came home, mother was crying, angry, angry, crying, it was horrible to deal with. I decided to get off the drug, the Paxil.
Over the next six months i struggled with the taper, struggled with the withdrawal, struggled with a disbelieveing and angry parent and struggled with my weight. When i finally kicked the Paxil i was at a life high of 301 lbs.
I went back to a uni closer to home so i could stay in my own bed and attempted to get my life back on track.OK SO THATS THE BACKGROUND UP UNTIL 2 YEARS AGO, FASTFORWARD TO TODAY.
Today i am 201 lbs exactly, having lost 70ilbs in one effort, put a few back on and then lost the rest to where i am today. Im proud of myself.I am just about to start my final year at uni, and am on for the second best class of degree that can be awarded in the UK. Im proud of myself.
However, i am ill.The Paxil has left me emotionless (Bar anger, dissapointment, self worthless etc, all the negative symptoms that categorise depression).
I have absolutely no interest in anything except looking up medications and ways out that other people have had success with on the Internet.
I define myself as dysthymic, anhedonic, alcoholic, having social anxiety to the extreme, with other forms of anxiety mostly regarding my health, weirly though only about things that aren't realistic. I recently had a breast cancer scare because i found a lump and this didn't bother me AT ALL, i was much more interested in dreaming up unrealistic afflictions that i had. VERY ODD.
Anyway having read this board now for about a year and a half, i find myself in a position where i feel that i know a fair bit about this area of the medical world, a damn site more than my local doctor (who i have to deal with because i can't afford a psychiatrist, and they won't give me one on the NHS unless im being medicated.)HOWEVER, even though i feel i know a fair bit, i also find myself extremely confused with all of the information i have read in here over the period of time i have been around.
To recap, Dysthymia, anhedonia and social anxiety are my main complaints, and i clearly need to be medicated for these complaints in order to regain any part of my life. (I just sit infront of my computer for 17 hours a day, go to uni and stare into space a couple of times a week, thats my life.)
Now, doctors in England are very different to doctors over there, there is no give whatsoever, its what they say goes, and what they offer is very basic and very little.If its not an SSRI, or an SNRI, then you are screwed. (This is dependant on diagnosis of course, but in my doctors case there is either depression, anxiety or some kind of phsycosis. When i suggested Dysthymia to him, he stared at me blankly and said, you mean depression??? God, help me!!).
He is however open to suggestion and i honestly feel i have eductade him in this area more than any other and apart from the fact that we are only allowed a five minute slot with a doctor over here, i honeslty think he would love to hear my input so he could get ahead in helping patients like myself, for selfish reasons, unfortunately, but still he will listen.
However due to the five mionute per session fact (How can someones mental issues be explained, understood and treated with a five minute consultation????? Criminal!!!), i find it very hard to explain what i wanted to when in the doctors room. Mind goes blank, i mumble some rubbish and get sent packing.
The last time i was there i came home with a prescription for effexor but having read the messages here i really wasn't sure i wanted to go there. I dont think my illness is serotonin related, im convinced its dopamine (but i fear i also could be manic at times which is something that has never been suggested to me. I often find that im ready to climb the walls with nervous energy, irritated, but never mental clarity or mental energry, which is what i thought mania would do to someone. It would be nice if someone could clear that up for me!!).
Bloody hell, my fingers hurt.SO THE REASON IM HERE.
Can anyone suggest to me what i should be asking the doctor to help me with tomorrow when i go the appointment.
Baring in mind my symptoms.Low mood for seven years.
Irritated/agitated.
Cant look at the TV, read a book, do one task without becoming extremely agitated.
Have no emotions. (Bar anger etc).
Enjoy nothing
Socially anxious
Socially withdrawan
No interest in sex in the subconscious. Overly interested in sex in my immediate conscious.
Aches and pains.
Bored.
Prone to abuse alcohol through boredom, (yet im 100% sure if i was to be medictade i have no desire to be sedated. Absolutely none.)
It would be nice to hear your thoughts guys, thank you in advance. Apologies about the spelling by the way, but im not going to check back, i have gotten irrittated just by writing this huge essay and need to play some football on the PS2 or something.
Oh and one final thing, i did try the effexor for four days (original version), and it was interesting. Totally different to Paxil, none sedating, totally enervating without touching my mood. Just a whole load of side effects which weirdly i actually enjoyed. Made me feel alive even though it increased my energy level but didn't touch the depression. Is that odd??? Who knows, maybe im just odd!!Dan
poster:Daniel Woodfield
thread:371983
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040724/msgs/371983.html