Posted by BarbaraCat on May 4, 2004, at 16:05:59
In reply to Thanks for your support! » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on April 29, 2004, at 17:18:27
Hi Katia,
Nope, I'm still around but not posting as much. I miss the contact but it takes alot of time, plus my laptop got zapped and I haven't fixed it yet so I have to snag time on my husband's computer.I'm doing pretty well, definitely improving physically. I wish life felt more fulfilling, but that may come as I start having more physical vitality. I think life is supposed to be more than just trudging along dodging moods and pitfalls, else what are we doing here and why aren't we learning the lessons better? During the winter when I was in vision-land much of the time it was definitely exciting and amazing, but existing at that high intensity is so draining. These days I'm just working on being content with what's going on in the moment and thankful things are relatively calmed down. I've developed a high tolerance for discomfort, but would like a bit more fun. I've been pretty isolated and probably need to get out more and get engaged with life. But it all looks pretty nutty out there, so hard to get around, to make the time, and I don't have the desire to deal with the crazyness. Nobody seems very happy, but maybe that's just my opinion. I'm playing piano more and that's been very wonderful. I definitely need more exercise but that will come with the better weather. A good foundation of physical health and energy seems to be the key.
Speaking of getting out and having 'fun' - I went to a big family gathering thingy on my husband's side this past weekend. With all my bum physical challenges recently, I did pretty well considering. BUT... at some point during the evening when everyone was pouring drinks, I managed to get myself blitzed. I have no memory of most of the evening except hearing very embarassing reports. My husband said I was extremely obnoxious and I heard some excrutiating things from others. Things I might THINK but never have the obnoxiousness to actually say in person. It's like this other personality emerges and has her own agenda, and boy, is she PISSED! She'e one mean cookie who wants to take total control and tells everyone what's on her mind using very bad potty mouth. I have absolutely no recall. I made the rounds the next day, apologizing to anyone I could round up. I'm not concerned with this lapse because it's pretty rare these days. But it sure does remind me why I don't imbibe like I used to. I felt crappy the next few days too. Depressed and tired and rather ashamed, and I don't have much memory of even the fun parts!
However, now that my mood has once again improved I'm amused that 'she' or 'it' has the brass balls to say things like 'go f**ck yourself, I can't stand you, you ugly complaining bitch' (oh yes, I did say that to one of his cousins). I love the self-assurance and charisma that comes out, but not the mean streak.
Sorry the Lamictal didn't work out for you, but I'm not surprised. It was the great white hope of meds for awhile, wasn't it? Everytime something new comes out we get our hopes way up and then it's the usual, at least for me. I'm so leary of these meds anymore, Katia, now that I've had my scare. We're so desperate to try anything to feel better. It's not fair that there isn't something safe that provides big time relief. And the alcohol thing is really not fair!
I still take Ambien to sleep and every now and then gabapentin or ativan if I'm having a stressful day. But the other meds are gone, forever I hope. It was very rough for a few months, as you know, but I had so many other physcial and emotional stresses going on anyway. I'm amazed I chose that time to chuck the meds. Maybe things in general wouldn't have been so traumatic if I weren't coming off years and years of psych meds, but I survived and am REALLY glad I stuck with my resolve to stop. I still have depressed days, go through some wacky manic spurts and now and then get really disorganized which makes me suspect that ADD has always been a big contributor (but no pstims for me). But my clarity and trust that this too shall pass has gotten better. The bad times are definitely not as weird as when I was taking meds and my body doesn't have the burden of metabolizing them. I believe I can honestly say that when I am in a place of peace and contentment, it just feels better.
About Paxil. Hmmmmmm... Big, big hmmmmmmm... I don't want to interfere where you might be helped, but we know each other well enough by now, my friend, so I'm gonna say it. I had a very rough time getting off Paxil and even worse with Effexor. They didn't help my symptoms at all and my pdoc kept doubling the dose because I kept feeling worse (I took them at different times, I took each alone and with other drugs). I now know that the SSRI's aren't good for me, and you suspect they aren't for you either and you want to definitely trust that. There are so many 'new' ones that work on other than just serotonin, so you can never say what is going to help. The only one that seemed to be a great one for me was nortriptyline as far as helping out of a really bad time, but I hated the side effects. My mouth was so dry I made smacking noises when I talked. Nor did I welcome any more constipation.
You take good care, sweetie. We all know how good it feels once we force ourselves out in the sunshine and spring weather. So put on those little walking shoes and beat cheeks, then find a babbling brook and a nice big tree to lean up against. Maybe you can zap that anxiety and hold off taking the Paxil for one more day.
Luvs, Barbara
>
> Glad to hear you're doing better. Are you still on limited meds? How're you doing?
>
> I had to go off of Lamictal b/c it made me racy and irritable - highly agitated. I've been off only two days and feel much calmer. I'm definitely on the down side with quite a bit flare-ups of anxiety. I saw my pdoc on Monday and he gave me Paxil to add to trileptal; but I haven't taken it yet. I'm worried about it. I am very sensitive to that serotonin thing (electrical zaps) and paxil is a culprit. I had it on Effexor and Zoloft; not sure I want to do that to myself again.
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:208531
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040429/msgs/343317.html