Posted by blever on March 31, 2004, at 12:15:11
my pdoc gave me 2 week samples of depakote, 500 mg,to bring an end to this horrible horrible mixed depressive/manic state i was in. after two days, my manic energy was totally depleted. but the problem - ALL of my energy was, i am in a perpetual state of sleepwalking. i took the depakote for 6 days, and have been off it for a week and a half, but no improvement. i am also on paxil cr, which, after taking it last december and basking in euphoric manic glory for 8 weeks straight, no longer seems to have any effect on my mood.
and now...everything takes too much effort. lack of motivation. lack of emotion, even sadness. and empathy? what was THAT, i ask now. every muscle on my body aches, and i feel like my head is encased in a 500 pound metal helmet. i cant think. about anything. i find myself staring at the wall, the carpet, or this blinking cursor, for hours on end. thinking about nothing at all. i'm SO TIRED, but i cant sleep. and i dont know what to do.
i feel so isolated. i dont expect anyone in my life to understand. my sister just called me a "mean, cynnical, lazy bitch" thanks, i said, in mono tone. it also takes too much energy to reciprocate anyone's well-meant sentiments, or even fake a smile.
this is not living, im sure of it. i'd rather not BE, than be a zombie.
but, then in the back of my mind, i know this will pass. it always does. i AM bipolar, and that is the NATURE of this fuckedup evil illness. but KNOWING this is not a comfort right now.
i have an appointment with my pdoc later this week.i guess i dont have a specific question, i just needed to disbarge some frusteration and self-loathe. sorry for that, but thanks for listening.
but PLEASE reply if any of you can relate, or would like to share anything simmilar, or have any suggestions. i'd reeealy appriciate it.
-blever
poster:blever
thread:330826
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040329/msgs/330826.html