Posted by Stavros on November 11, 2003, at 20:33:12
In reply to Re: I cannot get away from myself and free my mind, posted by ace on November 11, 2003, at 20:12:40
> > Hello all and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my babble. I feel like I am an anomaly. I have taken almost every medicine mentioned on here and many, many combinations but still cannot let this thing, or my mind will not let this thing go from my consciousness?
> >
> > It's feels like the pain when you first get your heart broken. You wake up with that pain you take it to work; everywhere you go it's there with you. Eventually it reduces its strength and you wake up one morning and think 'wow I didn't even think of that' ? Now that sort of pain has a name to it, a broken heart or dream etc. My pain feels the same but I have no heartbreak? Although I have had great difficulty in relationships. This 'X' thing that my mind seems to grab on to or needs to, consumes my consciousness and the best I can do is distract myself from myself. As soon as there is no greater thing to displace this ‘X thing’ I am back to the "X prison". Like a dog chained to a tree, I cannot get away?
> >
> > If consciousness is like a PC desktop then my consciousness is covered with icons that are meaningless, take up space and make me anxious? I need to reboot my brain but every morning X is there again? As a result of not being able to get away from this I get more anxious/depressed etc. Currently I am trying Wellbutrin XL 150 and Klonopin as needed.
> >
> > I know this is an anxiety related issue as it initially occurred after over-thinking going forward with a relationship (almost 20 yrs ago) Initially I was so relieved when a pdoc told me there was a medicine for this mild anxiety/depression (possible ADHD)problem. He Rxed Wellbutrin IM and 12 years ago when it came out Wellbutrin seemed to work great. I was almost immediately relieved and soon after the X thing in my head just wasn't something my mind wanted to go to? I only took Wellbutrin for 4 months and I was pretty much fine for 3-4 years.
> >
> > After college and working a few years I started to feel like life was passing me by and began to get anxious which led my mind to becoming consumed again. Terrified of this I went back on Wellbutrin but did not get the same relief.
> >
> > I quit work because I wanted to try and get to the bottom of this instead of having to rise to the occasion every morning which is what I have had to do over the past 9 years. I am exhausted and now isolating myself? Does this resonate with anyone else?
> >
>
> Can you please explain this X in greater detail? You say it is a feeling- is there a thought which accompanies it? Sounds like an OCD variant.
>
> Ace.
Thnaks for responding Ace. I have been Dxed with ocd a few yrs back and was given luvox but I cannot remember how it didn't work. Hmmm X is this place that my mind goes to? Like i am afraid of feeling and that maybe what X is but I cannot really describe it. Maybe i am afriad too? I am not aware of any thoughts that accompany X other than it's there when i am conscious. Thoughts that may accompnay it are "oh shit here it is again and I cannot get out? It feeds itself. I have met with some top CBT people and the last thing i want to do is think i just want to get away? X is the feeling of fear!
poster:Stavros
thread:278750
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20031111/msgs/278779.html