Posted by BarbaraCat on September 25, 2003, at 19:47:02
In reply to I'm butting in to the dance » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on September 25, 2003, at 16:17:56
Hi Kitty Katia! Missed you. Hey, I was also considering looking into trileptal and just talked to Katy about it cause she mentioned it too. What a friggin' coincidence! It sounds like the Dep just isn't cutting it for you. You certainly gave it the old college try. From every account I've heard it's a big pork producer. If you really want pork, try Remeron. Oink.
Yes, I do get those mystic experiences when not manic and have all my life. When I'm clear and not getting artificially high and meditating they are quiet and peaceful, usually a strong sense of a loving presence guiding me, nothing with stigmatas or anything like that. I've been interested in mysticism of all sorts as long as I can remember and can recall paranormal events when I was a kid. When I'm hypomanic I'm usually too busy doing extroverted type things and projects to attend to my inner life. It's when it starts going overboard into mania that things get very dramatic. My full-blown manias and mixed states depressions are psychotic with visual and aural hallucinations. When I was doing LSD my trips were always heaven/hell so that's where my mind goes no matter what. Of course, I grew up Catholic so that's bound to have influenced me.
I don't think it's just the lifting of the black cloud you mentioned because others have the black cloud lifted and don't feel one bit mystical like we do. Some researchers say they've discovered the 'God lobe' or some such in the brain where mystical experiences are generated, but I don't buy it.
For two weeks before my Mom was hit by a car and died I felt a strong presence of angels all around literally saying 'have courage, we're with you'. I'd hear clear music in my head playing 'When you walk through a storm...' and 'Ave Maria' and so on. I also was compelled to watch the 'Lord of the Rings' DVD each and every night during this time which brought me a great sense of wonderment and courage that I called upon during the awfullness that came later. This was during a perfectly normal state of mind, no mania, no substances and I was a bit puzzled by it all. I did feel in an altered state when these experiences came but only then and they didn't have the electric quality of a manic rapture. So I KNOW there's something to this stuff, God lobe or not. Good to hear from you. - Barbara
>
> >>I always know when I'm getting a bit too high on the manic scale because I start hearing heavenly choirs and angelic voices, everything is 'according to prophesy'. I like to stay in this mystic window for a little while because I've gotten some amazing insights and gifts from the visions in this rarified place. It's as though there's an energetic frequency I pass through that allows me to pick up the 'psychic channel' on my psyche-antenna. But alas, it then disintegrates into total chaos and a black agitated depression where I doubt everything, especially glorious visions. The angelic choirs turn into the legions of hell and follow me into the depression - voila, mixed states! So, I miss the raptures but not the hell.
>
> Have you ever experienced this w/o being in a "manic" phase? I have. But it feels like when my energy is clean and clear (normally when I haven't drunk anything for awhile), and I'm at a what do they call it euthymic mood or slightly maybe slightly elevated. I wonder if it has to do with the up or just when the black blinding cloud of depression lifts off of our sensitive perceptions....?
> interesting.
>
> BTW, I've been thinking that I may try Trileptal before Li. I've heard the s/e are minimal. I'm going to slowly come off Dep. as I slowly titrate up on Lam. I'm on 10mg now and my pdoc said it's really like being on 20mg b/c I'm on Depakote too. And I'm porking out a bit......even w/ the diet and L-Carnitine. I guess it could be worse; i've only gained a few pounds, not 50 like some people I've heard about.
>
> Katia
>
>
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:261445
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030923/msgs/263319.html