Posted by BarbaraCat on September 20, 2003, at 19:47:24
In reply to WOW » zarathustra, posted by KimberlyDi on September 17, 2003, at 17:02:29
Ah, Kimberly, I love your posts. This will probably end up in Social, but I wanted to ensure that you get this. You state so eloquently the very tender and private thoughts so many of us (as in myself) share with you. There is such pain in feeling 'different' from whoever defines such things, but such beauty in it as well.
I have a book you might want to read. I stumbled upon it in a bookstore and it's changed my whole attitude about being a lone pea in a pod in a crowded sea of pod people. It's called "Party of One" by Anneli Rufus, subtitled "The Loners' Manifesto". It celebrates the unique and unrecognized wonderfullnes of people who enjoy their own company and the space to think their own thoughts. The independent thinkers somewhat left of plumb, interesting, innovative and highly curious, disturbing and moody at times, social when necessary, and wanting so much to find kindred spirits, but are generally met with a glazed expression, boredom, disinterest, stupidity, misunderstanding - you get the picture. You feel like an outcast and it hurts, even though you think they're all rather loud and trying, and you'd really rather be somewhere else, someplace quiet. So many artists, writers, scientists, creaters have all been loners. It's a very long list and it's nice to be a member in this club that doesn't have members.
Sometimes I can be a real wild and crazy party animal, but my true nature has always been as a lone explorer. Realizing I'm not a weirdo in preferring not to hob-nob with this rather strange human race made me feel quite relieved - not so weird, strange, unpopular, aloof, snooty - all those unkind judgements that make us doubt ourselves. The truth is, I'm a very loving, compassionate and empathetic person, but too many people exhaust me and drain my life force.
Lately, I'm learning to accept all of myself, the stuff I've always been embarrassed about, my forthrightness, my discerment, my cynicism, my 'whoo, that's weird' visions, my ultra-sensitivity, my goofyness, my gushing heart, my intelligence (and fooey to those who can't keep up), my tendency to wander away at parties to spend time with the cat, my preference to go shopping alone, eating at restaurants alone, thinking my own thoughts, all the eccentricities that define me.
My husband respects all this in me but is a 'people person' with loads of friends and social activities. I've always thought maybe I should feel kind of bad about this, about not having hoards of friends who want to do things together all the time, and get asked to be on committees and on boards of things. I have a handful of much loved friends who are loners and explorers like me. We see each other only occasionally, which is quite enough, but it's always so precious, like coming home. This not wanting to mingle with others' energies and thought forms is actually a healthy thing. I no longer feel like I need to be different from who I am and it's so liberating. A time may come when I feel differently and choose to emerge from my cave experience, but for now, I don't.
You know, you really don't have to waste time with Mr. Number Four if he doesn't cherish or recognize the preciousness of you. That kind of situation all too often makes you start doubting you own preciousness. Your own company might be much more enriching. Much fondness to you. BarbaraCat
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:260543
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030917/msgs/262038.html