Posted by California_Princess on September 16, 2003, at 13:35:15
In reply to Re: Topamax Weight Loss Advice?????, posted by Ethel Basset on September 15, 2003, at 23:36:03
I certainly will let everyone know it I find something good for weight loss AND depression/moon swings. My problem is not a diet problem but a mental problem that has caused me to gain and gain. I’ve fought that admission for years thinking it’s better to hate myself for being a will-less, out of control fatty. I guess it was better to find fault for not having self control then to admit the REAL problem, compulsive binge eating during my manic cycles.
Over this last week since I finally got the confirming diagnosis as having Bi-Polar Disorder I’ve had that “ah ha moment” that Oprah is always talking about. It’s been a break though for me. I remember a show she did with Dr. Phil that she said you will not be able to lose weight for good until you find, or come to terms with WHY you’re overweight in the first place. Then once you have found the reason, work on that new found reason.
I have always been thinking, “Ah uh, sure…. I am fat because I’m an out of control, big, fat, looser.” But now, since I have been really looking back at my life, I can CLEARLY see distinctive patterns woven through my whole life. When I’m manic I either binge like crazy, (not only on food, but spending too) or join a new gym and start a new diet. These two “mini cycles” compete with one another the whole time I’m manic. Needless to say, the relatively short binging cycles cause me to gain more weight than I loose during the relatively short “diet & exercise” cycles. So I gain… and gain… and gain.
I don’t understand why I haven’t seen it before now! I’m 35 years old and it’s like I’ve just now “grown up” enough to see me for who I am and to inspect my life for what it is!
For the most part, I LOVE my manic cycles because I can get so much more done. It’s like I’m really living! I’m more creative and have the focus and energy to spend writing or painting and the possibilities are endless for me. And the best part, I’m HAPPY! Unfortunately, that creative energy and happiness comes with a heavy price: compulsion.
If I can just learn how to control that compulsion and lessen my depressed cycles I will be almost “normal”! :O)
But I don’t know if that’s even possible…
Melissa
poster:California_Princess
thread:50878
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030912/msgs/260665.html