Posted by timothy on July 21, 2003, at 21:35:12
In reply to Re: new to this site just started effexor today » timothy, posted by Cecelia D. on July 21, 2003, at 19:41:08
Hello Cecilia,
i'm sorry to hear you're suffering too, but i guess it's entirely possible that we both stumbled into some sort of relief today. or at least a recognition. it's pretty clear that you feel fucked. & that's maybe even perfectly appropriate. but perhaps it isn't necessary. but for whatever it's worth, in all of your apathy, which, trust me, i share. you still have the will (or maybe hope) to reach out. i know what you mean about losing your enthusiasms. it's not quite the way you described it, but as you know, we can only relate the best we can and there will always, for good or ill, i suppose, be some sense of isolation. but i refuse to believe that communication, significant communication, and is impossible. it's maybe the only thing that keeps me going. sometimes i feel so hopeless & i know what it's like to feel so goddamn doomed that going to bed is a horror because you know that somehow you'll have to put on your gameface in order to make the rest of the world think you can do it in the morning.
i, too, wonder how i've maintained my job, but for me it is also a question of why. which ties into another point you mentioned - losing the motivation and ability to enjoy your passions.
i'll tell you a little about me. i'm 25. i grew up in eastern pennsylvania. like a brutal amount of other seekers, i came to new york city to write stories and play music 4 years ago. i left for a while to go on tour with my band, but moved back to the city to live with my (ex) girlfriend. i got a job working for a lawfirm negotiating contractual disputes. every day is a struggle because not only do i dread going there, but i also feel so trapped. my depression and anxieties keep me at a distance from my creativity to the point where i find it hard to escape, but i also find it impossible to continue. i want to write, but most of the time i feel so far gone & depressed and anxious that it seems impossible to even begin to dig myself out of this hole. i'm even skeptical about medicines.
i started drinking about the same time i began having the anxiety troubles & it took me a while to realize that i was self medicating, but it seemed like the only thing that would relax me.
it was as if there were 5 trains of thought going on at the same time & none of them were concrete. i couldn't seem to put my finger on any of them. & it became like a horrible anxious drone or cloud in the forefront of everything. i still can't walk down the street & feel as though i'm living in the present moment. i feel dizzy and disconnected & almost like i've lost my innocence or maybe just my ability to relax & feel in the present moment.
for a while after i had my first panic attack, i'd begun having strange thoughts that terrified me and when i explained some of them the doctor put me on antipsychotic medication, which only served to scare me even more. i still think it was more of a sense of acknowledging the possiblitly that things weren't real, than me thinking that they really weren't.
i guess it was the fear of losing control. in any situation. the fear of my own mind. & the this was the worst fear of all. because i felt it was all i had.
nevertheless, i still have hope. somewhere & somehow & i hope you do too.
so often i just miss joy. & it is possibly as simple as that. i miss the ability to feel joyous. & i've been working so hard and in every direction i can think of to recover that ability.
i've been looking into everything from meditation to excercise (which has taken more than a tremendous effort to bother with).
but please tell me more about yourself & what you're experiences are. & if you ever wish to email me, eieiobuffalo@hotmail.com.
i wish you the best of luck.
poster:timothy
thread:244005
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030718/msgs/244109.html