Posted by chloe on June 28, 2003, at 20:09:50
In reply to Chloe ?, posted by Darwin on June 27, 2003, at 23:50:07
Hi Darwin,
I am almost too depressed and suicidal to write this but I ll try.I am the same Chloe, and a year ago last spring, I was having such severe scalp burn from trying so many different mood stabilizers that I got off almost all my meds and had ECT. It worked wonders in the beginning. I had about four months of no cycling, no suicidal ideation, no anhedonia. I really felt cured, a miracle treatment!!!...But maintenance ECT was not very effective, ie ECT once or twice a month. So I stopped ECT. Within a few months the distorted thinking and anhedonia came back. I just struggled living with it. But it seems as the bright days of summer have arrived, I am miserable and very suicidal again.
I was offered ECT 2 times a month again. But I don't want to do that. I am just now getting a grip on my memory. I have had to relearn alot of words, telephone numbers, pins (I lost alot of atm cards trying to remember pin numbers). But if I am so messed up and depressed and want to off myself, why should I care about my memory?...Well, because I may feel better in the future and be really uncomfortable when I don't recognize the face or name of someone greeting me, for example.Not everyone has such memory loss. In fact, I think it's on the rarer side. Most people tend to have temporary short term memory that gradually gets better over time. Mine did not get better over time.
Unfortunately, most every med or treatment has a time limit with me. Treatments or meds tend to work for a few months, then side effects or lack of response starts to happen and I slide back into suicidality and mixed states. I wish I knew what to do now. Two great meds were added to the Li, clonazapam and seroquel, but they give me that awful scalp burning. So I can only use a fraction of what I need to quell these nasty destructive thoughts. I feel so helpless and tired. How in the world can I get fixed? I have tried most everything, LITERALLY, and I am still in a dangerous rut.
Wow, I can't believe you remembered me from last year. I hope you are doing ok. Are you considering ECT?Chloe
poster:chloe
thread:237326
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030624/msgs/237786.html