Posted by zinya on June 19, 2003, at 16:17:00
In reply to Re: I have a moral dilemma, HELP!, posted by NThompson on June 19, 2003, at 15:26:26
Gosh, NT. I do see your dilemma. Have you discussed it with your husband? I would for sure make this yet another of the things you are increasingly sharing with him now that you're not feeling a need to hide such sources of anxiety from him. He knows the "players" too which we cannot know, by which i mean what kind of person the other mother is, how much a perspective she would have about the nature of depression, etc., whether she tends to gossip, etc.
I think you're displaying conscientiousness (which i prize highly in people!) and a concern that is well-taken but I'm not sure there's a simple answer to this and, since the crisis has presumably already passed, at the very least I wouldn't rush into divulging this without giving it some further thought (In other words, if she were to be alarmed at not having been told at the time, that isn't going to change if you wait a while longer).
You don't say how close a friend she is. If she's a true, real, close friend and you feel that -- independent of the issue regarding the kids -- you're somehow not being "truthful" with her about what you're going through, if you are friends who usually share most things, then that might be a consideration too -- as part of your own coming to terms with the whole issue of 'hiding' .... But again, i would say that for now, just coming out of hiding vis-a-vis your husband is so fresh and new for you, that i wouldnt' say rushing to expand that with someone else is necessarily wise quite yet, even if you feel trust in that friend (Is she the kind of person who tells you other people's private business? If so, then you can be sure she would relay yours -- unless of course you are truly "best friends" who only share things with each other but i don't get that sense...
So, i'm giving a very muddy answer here, i realize, but in recognition that it's a muddy dilemma, and i'm not surprised - it's to your credit - that you have raised it and are presumably of two minds about it. I think any both rational and sensitive person would be.
But if i had to make a call from afar, given just what you've said so far, i'd hold off... and discuss it with your husband and even then give it some time and perspective. This is still all so fresh. I'd let the transitions you're in now sink in more.
Unless of course you ever catch yourself even remotely feeling distracted or ill-disposed in a way that you admit honestly to yourself that her daughter could be in any jeopardy (e.g., if you find yourself distracted behind the wheel in some way related to what you're going thru now). And then you would have the option too of just telling her you have to stop doing it for a while and, if you're uncomfortable saying the real reason, I'd see no problem with giving an alternate reason as a cover until you might feel safer to share something.
Most important right now for *you* is to keep yourself in safe situations....safe emotionally and physically while you are rebuilding new strengths in yourself, new reliances, new senses of faith in your own instincts....
my two cents' worth for now
with hugs and peaceful wishes!
zinya
poster:zinya
thread:13781
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030619/msgs/235175.html