Posted by froggyanna on May 27, 2003, at 12:18:50
In reply to Re: Social Phobia, posted by deanobravo on May 26, 2003, at 20:02:06
> No one has really given me much insight yet as to what it's like to be "cured". I can only imagine it will be fantastic!!
Hi Dean,
This may or may not be the proper place for me to say this, but I'd like to give you a bit of support in a different, non-medicinal way.
I'm not sure how old you are, so I don't know how appropriate my story will be for you, but I was a terribly shy and socially fearful teenager and young woman. I'm 51 now. I didn't know then (no one did, I guess) that there was such a thing as a real psychological disorder called Social Phobia. All I knew was that I was miserably afraid of boys and men, pathologically fearful of being noticed in public, abnormally sensitive to criticism (you'd look at me funny and my self esteem took a nosedive), and just plain incapable of moving forward in my life in the normal processes of school, career, marriage. I thought I was uniquely miserable. I dropped out of high school -- I couldn't endure the daily social situations. I felt alone and hopeless. I did not have much family support to fall back on. Both of my parents were only children, so there were no aunts, uncles, and cousins. And I was the only girl among three brothers.
Because at my fundamental core I am an optimistic person, I somehow found a few oases of respite from the suffering through a few select friends. For me, I found that my love of music -- specifically, my attraction to the Beatles, the Moody Blues, Cat Stevens, etc. -- provided much inspiration and comeraderie. Saved by the music!
I also somehow managed to drag myself through a year of business college after I got my GED and learned how to type and handle a few office situations. But I ALWAYS feared talking on the phone. My year at that school was not uneventful, socially -- a lot went down that was pretty painful, but I persevered. Through the mother of one of my "music" friends, I managed to get myself a part time position at the local University, as a secretary to an Engineering professor. At 20, that's where I met the guy who became my first husband, one of the students. He was the first and only guy I dated before getting married.
I won't go into all the details of why I was comfortable with him, but I was. That's another story. We got married when I was 22 and at that time, I looked on this development in my life as the "only" way, realistically, that I was going to be able to build a life for myself. Marriage, for me, was salvation! Now at least I could count myself among the "normals."
However, as we went through life, I still found myself becoming fearful in certain very specific situations, such as being alone with other men, even under very non-romantic/sexual circumstances. I also retained that "look at me and I'll die" fear. Holding a conversation with someone while making direct eye contact was next to impossible.
I had two daughters, I started growing up and working at various jobs (never very career-driven, though). My sense of self expanded. To make a VERY long story short, the very qualities that made my husband a comfortable safety net to me began to have the effect of holding me back. I began to feel that I had "evolved" beyond our relationship. I began to realize that if I was going to break through many of my fears, I would have to do it on my own and put myself in situations that perhaps my husband would disapprove of. Through deeply profound soul-searching and spiritual questing, I ultimately worked up the courage to ask for a divorce, but it took a few years and a lot of pain to do it.
We agreed to joint custody of both our daughters, and he was a supremely responsible and attentive father. I did not have to worry about his influence on them or his ability to care for them (I was actually more worried about MY ability to do so!), so they spent time with us equally. At 34, I began to live part of my time as a single woman. Having lived a little, I was now a bit more comfortable with certain social situations. But what I really was drawn to do was a lot of deep, powerful, psychological work in the form of various therapy groups, seminars, conferences, individual counseling, and a whole host of psychological/spiritual mind adventures (drug-free), as well as emotional-release type work. All that, plus date several men that I met through the old local bulletin board computer systems! In a nutshell, I lived what I should have lived as a teenager (the social experimentation), plus I deepened my sense of self-worth through all the psychospiritual work.
Somehow, and I don't know precisely how, through all of that, many of my old social fears just melted away. I BECAME the kind of social person that I "should" have been all along. The blushing stopped, the discomfort of people looking at me stopped, I got very comfortable with eye contact, I developed an ability to talk more articulately and to initiate contact with strangers.... quite a long list of problems healed!
Am I CURED? Well..... I would say so, yes. And it IS fantastic! I have NONE of the old conflicts and worries. However, I put an awful lot of hard work into it and the path was not without pain, and it took a long time! I did manage to raise two great daughters through all of that, neither of whom suffered the way I did. I feel pretty blessed.
However.... one thing that did NOT get addressed in all of that is the fact that I also have ADD. I've just discovered this, but in retrospect I can see all the signs. That's another story, too! At 51, am I prepared to tackle this with sheer psychological brute force? No! I want drugs!! :-) I think I've "earned" a quick cure this time!
I honestly hope this was appropriate "insight" for you. Thank you for the opportunity to bring these things up, and MUCH luck to you in your search for your true path!
froggyanna
poster:froggyanna
thread:229092
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030525/msgs/229447.html